Valentine’s Day: Love by the Pound

Love is in the air, boys and girls. It’s time for passion, romance, and uncomfortable public displays of affection. Yep, Valentine’s Day is approaching, and if this is news to you, you’re probably alone. … Not that it’s a bad thing. I mean, I’m single too… for the first time in years, actually. I’m not…

Fashion Trends that Must Return

People love to mock old fashion trends like leisure suits and shoulder pads, but honestly, is today’s world any better? Now we’ve got crocs, man cleavage, rappers with diamonds on their teeth, hipster pants so tight they’re considered contraceptives, and everything in Nicki Minaj’s closet. I think we’ve been way too hard on the past….

The Olympics Needs More Boobs

With the 2012 London Olympics underway, I can’t help but feel the spirit. Unlike other television broadcasts, the Olympics has me so pumped that I’m actively participating. In the past few days, I’ve found myself yelling at the TV screen, attempting to recreate the gymnastics routines (I almost broke a lamp), Googling all the countries…

Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building

Elvis Presley was one of the most popular singers of the 20th century. With his commanding voice and charismatic stage presence, he rose from humble circumstances to launch a rock and roll revolution. Strangely, despite his success, he’s best known for his mysterious death. An event so unexpected, some people deny it even happened; claiming,…

Science Destroyed my Childhood

All across the globe, scientists are hard at work; discovering more and more about the world around us. They’re making miraculous breakthroughs in fields such as astronomy, genetics, and medicine. But unfortunately, as these developments continue, I can’t help but notice that science is slowly destroying my childhood memories. Below is a list of cases…

A Friendly Game of Peek-a-Boo

When I was a kid, I did some really weird shit… I liked to tie yarn around dolls’ necks, lynch them over our staircase, and leave them hanging for my mom to discover. Sometimes I would turn off all the lights, scream “Mortal Kombat,” and whack my family with an inflatable bat. One time I…

Your Clothes aren’t Gay

Well that’s gay. That’s soooo gay. That’s like totes uber gay. Bleh. You have no idea how many times I hear that awful phrase… uber. … Okay, obviously I’m joking. My real gripe is with the word gay – a word that represents me – being used to express dislike and hate. I hear so…

Multitasking on the Toilet

I was in the middle of watching “Yo Gabba Gabba”… which isn’t creepy at all… when suddenly I had an urge to go potty. I became furious. Not only must I now abandon my dancing puppet friends, but I was officially going to lose the next 15 minutes of my life. Bathroom breaks are so…

I’m a Sleep Moaner

Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate, and several of his friends, hovering over my bed. Each of them had huge, suspicious grins on their faces. Naturally, I thought they had sharpied a dingdong on my face. It turns out, they were actually laughing at the strange noises I…

I Can’t Help my Phone-y Habits

The cellphone has been saving the world from awkward situations since 1973. Imagine you’re heading back to your dorm after one of those crazy get-drunk-and-make-bad-choices parties you see in a typical rom-com. As you drink and dash, you see a creepy guy from the party named Ted that you made out with. He doesn’t look…