My mother used to say I should start every day with a smile.
Well, I’ve been thinking about it, and that’s a pretty tough task. When I wake up, my mouth is almost always in a frown. And no, it’s not because I’m sad. It’s just my face. When I sleep, I have a literal “resting bitch face.”
Aside from the frown, my mouth is often tackling other obstacles. Sometimes it’s dry and chapped. Sometimes it’s wet and drooly. Sometimes it’s covered in whipped cream from the kinky night before.
Sorry Mom, but I’m set up for failure. There’s no possible way for me to follow your advice.
I mean, I could quickly adjust my face as soon as I’m coherent… but that’s technically not “starting” my day with a smile. The frown still proceeds it. And besides, I don’t have the acting chops to pull off the switcheroo. Somebody would catch me. Somebody always catches me when I fake things in bed.
Even if I could fool the world with an Oscar-worthy performance, I have other doubts regarding my mother’s advice. Am I supposed to interpret the “day” literally? Should I be smiling at precisely 12:00 AM?
This could be a problem. Most midnights, I’m not even asleep yet. To follow the rules, I’d have to smile before I go to sleep. I would no longer be starting my day in the morning, but rather; I’d be starting my day in the middle of the previous night. I’d be starting my day on the previous day before the previous day was even over.
Whoa. Bedtime would be my morning. None of this makes any damn sense.
And what if I am asleep at midnight? Unless I develop a habit of sleep-smiling, there’s no hope for me. I’d have to find a way to hold my smile all night.
Maybe I could duct tape my lips. Maybe I could get Botox injections. Maybe I could hire a magical gnome that watches me in my sleep and touches my face when the time is right.
Bah, I give up. I’m not going to smile. Smiling is overrated. Who cares? It’s not like this is the first time I’ve ignored my mother’s advice… and I have “whipped cream” stained sheets to prove it.
What’s the worst thing that could happen? If I don’t smile, there won’t be consequences. Well, at least I don’t think so. Could it be a superstition? What if it’s like seeing a black cat, walking under a ladder, or breaking a mirror with your ugly face?
If I don’t start my day with a smile, will I have bad luck? Will I get hurt? Will I fall out of a window? Will I crap my pants?
This is more serious than I thought. I’m going to start every day with a diaper.