Oh Snow You Didn’t!

Outside of work, you will never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting materials make me twerk by mistake.

It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty. Pants make it even bigger. I simply don’t look right wearing pants. I don’t care if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants. When my butt has drapes, it takes new shapes.

But no, I don’t go outside wearing no pants. I’m not that creepy. I’m not “Winnie the Pooh” creepy. I simply wear shorts instead of pants. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!

For whatever reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People look away from it. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it has something to do with my intimidating, Hulk-ish legs.

There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day: winter. When it starts getting chilly outside, I’m forced to choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.

For this reason, I despise winter. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No Anna, I don’t want to build a f***ing snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ on margaritas.

Why can’t the weather remain constant? Why must it get so cold? I wish global warming would hurry up already.

Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. This past year, we had a snow day in April. Yes, April. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet on that day, when I peered out my window, it looked like Frosty the Snowman had exploded in my driveway.

I was in disbelief. I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman described the situation, weird questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools joke? Does the News Channel air re-runs? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot keeps shaking it?

Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

Surprisingly, I tried my best to stay positive. After all, at least I didn’t have to go to work. I decided that maybe I should give winter a second chance. I needed to embrace it with a festive activity. After assessing my options, I chose to go sledding.

I put on some shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before. I was super nervous.

I placed my sled at the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. Unfortunately, as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and missed the sled. I went tumbling down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. For the grand finale, I belly-flopped into the snow and completely vanished.

On a lighter note, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.

107 Comments Add yours

  1. Viki says:

    oh ewh damn calculus.
    well we're doing physics in science now.
    URG so hard he hasn't explained it and he's like do ti for homework.
    ookay i lied
    he's like only like 4 of you will be able to do it.
    and you four will be the ones i spilt up and put into special groups, so that you can help your peers.
    i mean I want to get it but I don't and I'm like forcing it my head, and Rachel is helping except she's so pro that it's like O:
    and i have no common sense.
    oh physics D:

  2. Samantha says:

    HAHAHAHA give you a fork and tell you to eat your way out? You have an very unique sense of humor 😛 The weather here has been slightly weird too, damn it! It needs to straighen itself up, seriously.

  3. Sarah says:

    Haha, what are chucks? I'm looking at nikes.. maybe like these.. http://www.shoelowdown.com/images/ConverseTripleDeuceMensBasketballShoes_12968

    But our uniform is blue, so I dunno 😛

    love mario party! I always lost that game though 🙁 My brother always won, EVIL.

    I had a hard test today too! A stupid science test on chemical reactions 🙁 argg. What was your test on?


  4. Chelsea says:

    How in the world do you find time to comment everyone back? 😛 I've been wondering that for a while.
    But anyhow – yeah, snow days are rare but they suck. Only because the roads are icy and my mom doesn't let me drive whatsoever. How much snow did you guys get there?
    PS i'm not a morning person either. ;]

  5. Alicia says:

    awh thanks for the layout compliment. 😛 I appreciate it.

    You, sir, need to update your blog thingy. *points to wrist where this is no watch because I don't wear one* It's like the highlight of my day because it's always so randomly hilarious. xD

    ah, yes , well, I will be 16 soooo I wonder if time seems to pass even quicker for you? Even thought it's only like what.. (oh jeez, I can't count) 2 years *ponders* these are the things I wonder about.


  6. Emme says:

    😮 Oh. My. Goodness, Justin. you've never went sledding before? Wow, thaat sucks. Oh my goodness. i've tried to jump on a sled before like that. same thing happned to me but I started sliding down the hill… without a sled… and… I ran into a tree. it was when I first started sledding. I was just young.
    Oh my gosh I was watching you and your friend Nate sing and you guys are awesome xD. You 2 could go pro, yo.

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