I remember back when books were written by journalists, poets, essayists, satirists, and other people that actually had training in literary skills. Now it seems like most novels are written by celebrities, criminals, liars, murderers, convicted sex offenders, crooked politicians, tattle-tales, plus friends and relatives of all of the above.
The standards for publication have dropped. I mean, I just read an article about a woman from Alabama who had a crappy childhood and wanted people to know about it. She was illiterate, and she couldn’t sign her own name… but that didn’t stop her from launching her own book.
What? How..? Does she even know what she wrote?
And then there’s the new book coming out by Kanye West. I didn’t read it, but I’ve heard it only has 52 pages. Some of the pages have as little as three words, and others are completely blank.
How is it that a guy who thinks “books are bad” can get a book published before me? Life is cruel. As with every other medium, it appears that the uneducated go farther in life.
My advice to all those yearning to be writers is the following: Do not get bogged down with style, theme, character development, pacing, originality, tone, coherence, craft, plot, viewpoint, description, entertainment, opening sentences, endings, and all the other crap that stands in the way of getting recognition, royalties, and long lines of people waiting at Barnes & Noble for your book signing.
Simply figure out a way to get your picture in the papers. Possible methods include dating a millionaire, getting cast on a reality show, or pissing off PETA. You may even try stalking a current celebrity.
Of course, if you get tabloid coverage in a sensational murder case — especially one involving missing body parts — your career will skyrocket, and the best-seller list will be yours for at least 30 weeks.
So somebody kill Kanye. It won’t be “Heartless.”