My Hurricane is a Boy!

Why do Hurricanes have names? I can understand giving names to planets, household pets, and maybe even male genitalia, but it makes no sense to give names to tropical storms.

Isn’t it a tad odd to be on a first-name basis with an evil whirlwind of doom? Hell, they don’t give names to tornadoes, snowstorms, earthquakes, blizzards, or any other natural disaster… So why not just say there’s a hurricane coming? That’d do it for me.

In the beginning, there were only female names. My guess is that angry men did all the naming — a bunch of losers who’d been in painful relationships and wanted to get even with women for reducing their lives to rubble (get it?).

These days, in order to be fair, they alternate the names of men and women. The current lineup for 2009 is Ana, Bill, Claudette, Danny, Erika, Fred, Grace, Henri, Ida, Joaquin (I have trouble saying this one out loud), Kate, Larry, Mindy, Nicholas, Odette, Peter, Rose, Sam, Teresa, Victor, and Wanda.

These names are too passive. Who’s gonna take a warning about Hurricane Rose seriously? She sounds like my grandmother. Same for Hurricane Grace. Nothing sounds more catastrophic than “GRACE.”

If they must name hurricanes, they should at least call them something scary. I’d be quicker to heed the warning for Hurricane Psycho-Killer-Demon-Possessed-Alien-Little-Kid-Zombie-Fleshed-Porcelain-Doll-Decepticon.

And with a name like “Fred,” you’d think the hurricane was a playful little puppy or a kindly Uncle. People shouldn’t be sympathizing with hurricanes. If scary names don’t work, why not use derogatory nicknames that better characterize their rude nature?

One year it might start with “Hurricane Asshole” and continue with “Hurricane Bitch” and “Tropical Storm Crackwhore.” This would totally liven up weather reports:

“Now Bob with the weather. Bob, it looks like Hurricane Dickwad is headed right for the Florida Keys.”

“That’s right, Jim. What a prick.”

If we adopt this naming convention, there are enough insults to last for decades. And if we ever run out, or just for variety, we could always switch to German.

129 Comments Add yours

  1. Felicia says:

    Um, Justin, YOUR posts always make my day. They're so funny!

    Thanks for the twitter link 🙂

  2. ash says:

    OMG! I love your .com name (= i peed a little. Hilarious. I know, i'm so behind. But anyways! I've always wondered the same thing. We have a hurricane right now headed down south of Hawaii it's still thousand miles away but it's called "hurricane carlos". You crack me up!

  3. Nick says:

    Haha, that's very true. It is a little strange. I'm not sure if switching to german names is a good idea though. Hurricane Wolfgang and Hurricane Detlef, for example, or not very menacing either! Oh and I updated. Finally :P.

  4. Ben says:

    Oh man, sorry for the late reply 🙁
    Yeah giving hurricanes names is really weird, especially a name like Grace! Lol, that one is hilarious.

    I agreew ith you there. They should for sure have names that are really insulting like that. We wouldn't want people to underestimate the terribleness of a hurricane, we certainly wouldn't want to make it sound graceful. Lmao.

  5. Sky says:

    Hey, I'm back 😀

    I've always found it weird to name hurricanes.. whats the point? and who gets to decide??? hmm??

    I agree 🙂 Those names are too nice. It's like.. hurricane fluffy kitten, lol.

    Nice nice! I don't think they would say that on live TV though, it might be bleeped out and then nobody would know what to call it! :O

    -sky

  6. Ben says:

    Same same same same. Why name them?! It's not as if they're friendly and need names is it? Can't we just date them, the hurricane of march 2nd or what have you. ;( They're not children.

    Oh and I tried your tutorial but it broke my site somehow so I used a different method :L

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  8. Turhan says:

    "Isn't it weird to be on a first-name basis with an evil whirlwind of doom?"

    Quote of the day! You're hilarious dude.

    I wonder how you come up with these topics though. So hilarious! I don't think I'd be able to come up with something this creative and off the wall and then make it into something funny!

  9. mel says:

    I think they name hurricanes so that it's easier to refer back in their archives. That is all.

    Simple, passive names are chosen so as not to scare people any more than they need to be, no?

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