I Pronounce You Hand and Wife

I sang at a wedding the other day. They even paid me. I know, I know; it’s great that I’m finally becoming a celebrity and all, but I’m worried I wasn’t good enough. I might have made a mistake and inadvertently ruined their marriage before it even started.

Some day, the two of them will get into a huge fight over diaper-changing and remember the awful vocalist who started it all…

The bride will say something like, “I know I told you it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings, but remember the chubby homo at our wedding? He’s close enough.”

And then he’ll retort, “Yeah, well, I must have been high when I married you; higher than the note he failed to hit.”

And then she’ll say that their marriage was a bigger disaster than my hair. It’ll never stop. The diaper will never get changed. The angry baby will grow up and kill me.

Maybe I’m over-thinking it. I tend to do that. In fact, while performing at the wedding, I started over-thinking a lot of things. This led to some fun questions. For example, how come when a man proposes to a woman, he asks for her hand in marriage?

Why’s it gotta be the hand? Hands are gross. According to every Dove soap commercial, hands are constantly dirty and covered with germs. Who wants to associate their love with filth and hangnails?

There are certainly more interesting body parts. And if you plan to go on a honeymoon, there are indeed more essential ones.

You could ask for her shoulder in marriage. Or since it’s ’til death do you part, you could ask for a spare organ.

How about her back, her wrist, her elbow, leg, ankle, nose, heel, toe, neck, thigh, or breast? “Sir, I’ve fallen deeply in love with your daughter, and I’m asking for her ass in marriage.”

Yuck. Suddenly the hand is making sense.

But I still don’t get why we have to isolate body parts at all. Call me creepy, but when I fall in love with someone, I fall in love with all of them.

111 Comments Add yours

  1. Felisa says:

    If you only ask for someone's hand in marriage, makes you wonder what's going to happen to the rest of them huh? I'd ask for someone's BRAIN because I think the brain is the sexiest thing about a person. But I'd love it if it could come with a human body. Because by itself, I might not even go near the brain.

    "Sir, I've fallen deeply in love with your daughter, and I'm asking for her ass in marriage."
    Hahahahahahaha I think I just peed. Just a little. 😛

  2. Laura says:

    It might have been on purpose but I'm not sure. Why invite me if she clearly didn't want me there though. Arghh people like her make me angryyy ¬¬. Awww thank you! I agree she is just annoying :)! So, how are you? How has your weekend been going :)?

  3. greg says:

    Hello!
    Sorry i havent contacted you in a while, but i have had loads to do!

    I have a new layout up! I hope you like it!

    Please comment back, From Greg!

  4. Kaela says:

    Haha, but yeah I suppose, but when you ask for the hand, it makes sense, because where does the ring go? on her hand! Well, finger, but just to ask for a finger? That is plain weird.

  5. kitty says:

    I guess they are asking for a hand to put a ring on? O_o but then they should be asking for a finger.. but you know once they ask for a finger then they take the whole hand, so they just go with the whole hand and that's it. O_O

  6. Meaghan! says:

    Haha yeah, when I put the layout up, I was playing with them for like 5 minutes haha.

    Thanks! Yeah, it's like 19 or something. But that's not fair cause I'm 5 years younger! D;

    Hahah. Ass in marriage? Oh jeez. You & your crazy ideas [:

  7. Jackie says:

    Man! My summer is GONE!! :[

    Last two week I have worked but I did take an impromptu trip to Canada to bungee jump again. That was fun. I leave for London NEXT Saturday! Ugh.

  8. Lani says:

    Justin!! Dude I missed you!! Ha, sorry… but I did.

    Hobscotch just sorta died… one day it went offline and never came back… I feel like I should ask for a divorce from it or something…

    Anyways, I'm back online and have decided to stalk you regardless of whether i have a site on which you can reply ^-^

    Also: how awkward would the wedding night be if he asked for her nose in marriage… mmm mucusy!

  9. Lillie says:

    HAHA. ASS IN MARRIAGE?. Sounds lovely <3 hehe.
    I think it's because the ring goes on the finger that's on the hand.
    But going on, the hand is on the arm that's on the shoulder thats on the body.

    O-O. I guess they just stopped at hand }: Lazy bums.

    (: Breast in marriage… LOLOL<3 OMG. *squeeze* O-O…

    & What Dove commercials have YOU been watching ): All I see is a naked woman showering.

  10. maryam says:

    pleaseeee lol, can you vote for me at
    http://www.sweetandsugary.info/contest/everyone.php ?

    thanks, if you doo hahaa 😉

    i know this is random buttt er. i need a domain lol..

    wow. this layout is ahmazing btw.

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