I’ve always wanted to attend a pig catching competition. It’d be fun to watch idiots chase oily, muddy piglets around a pen for money. After watching a few YouTube clips, I’ve learned that catching swine is nearly impossible. But with that being said, why the hell is it so easy to catch Swine Flu?
The H1N1 virus is spreading fear throughout the United States. According to CNN, my college has the worst outbreak in the Midwest.
Sigh. Why couldn’t we be on the news for something cool like the discovery of Bigfoot‘s Facebook account or something?
With over 110 identified cases, you’d think our University would be closed or something. But nope. I must still go to class. The school officials have merely quarantined the sick students and distributed hand-sanitizer.
In fear that I might get it, I have some questions…
Will Swine Flu give me the sudden urge to eat bacon and pork chops?
Should I cover myself in oinkment?
Is this snoutbreak a serious hamdemic?
Will this cause the end of the world; Aporkalypse, Hamageddon, Pink Plague, etc…?
Will I sneeze by saying achoink?
Will there be a movie about the tragedies; “Swinedler’s List,” “Pig Trouble In Little Mexico,” “Babe: Death In The City,” etc…?
Once infected, can I use this pickup line: “Girl, you need to be quarantined, because you have a case of the Fine Flu.”
There’s so many swine flu jokes going around, it’s like an epidemic or something.
What the hell is Swine Flu anyway? I bet it came from a couple of jealous pigs. I mean, turkeys have Bird Flu, cows have Mad Cow Disease, and crabs have… uhh… yeah. I bet pigs wanted to cash in on the trend and bring home some extra bacon.
Damn those attention-boars.
Those pigs really piss me off. I used to trust them. I even had a piggy bank. First they took my money, and now they’re trying to kill me! Remember when PETA protested that meat is murder? They were warning us!
Help! I’m living in fear. I don’t think I’ll survive the Swine Flu! Well, maybe when pigs fly.