Whine about the Swine

I’ve always wanted to attend a pig catching competition. It’d be fun to watch idiots chase oily, muddy piglets around a pen for money. After watching a few YouTube clips, I’ve learned that catching swine is nearly impossible. But with that being said, why the hell is it so easy to catch Swine Flu?

The H1N1 virus is spreading fear throughout the United States. According to CNN, my college has the worst outbreak in the Midwest.

Sigh. Why couldn’t we be on the news for something cool like the discovery of Bigfoot‘s Facebook account or something?

With over 110 identified cases, you’d think our University would be closed or something. But nope. I must still go to class. The school officials have merely quarantined the sick students and distributed hand-sanitizer.

In fear that I might get it, I have some questions…

Will Swine Flu give me the sudden urge to eat bacon and pork chops?

Should I cover myself in oinkment?

Is this snoutbreak a serious hamdemic?

Will this cause the end of the world; Aporkalypse, Hamageddon, Pink Plague, etc…?

Will I sneeze by saying achoink?

Will there be a movie about the tragedies; “Swinedler’s List,” “Pig Trouble In Little Mexico,” “Babe: Death In The City,” etc…?

Once infected, can I use this pickup line: “Girl, you need to be quarantined, because you have a case of the Fine Flu.”

There’s so many swine flu jokes going around, it’s like an epidemic or something.

What the hell is Swine Flu anyway? I bet it came from a couple of jealous pigs. I mean, turkeys have Bird Flu, cows have Mad Cow Disease, and crabs have… uhh… yeah. I bet pigs wanted to cash in on the trend and bring home some extra bacon.

Damn those attention-boars.

Those pigs really piss me off. I used to trust them. I even had a piggy bank. First they took my money, and now they’re trying to kill me! Remember when PETA protested that meat is murder? They were warning us!

Help! I’m living in fear. I don’t think I’ll survive the Swine Flu! Well, maybe when pigs fly.

75 Comments Add yours

  1. Deanna says:

    I'm sick of hearing about H1N1 also. Everyone has gone hand sanitizer crazy. Those dispensers have started turning up everywhere. I have tried some of it but I have eczema on my hands so my hands are full of little cuts. Let me tell you, hand sanitizer stings!

  2. Aimee says:

    Hey buddy!! I'm so sorry I haven't been coming around.. I'm such a bad person! *cry*

    This post brighten my day, I'm in tears from laughing so hard. You sir, are a genius! I'm so tired of hearing about the swine flu. People were walking everywhere with a mask, its pathetic!

  3. greg says:

    Hello Justin-e (:
    Haha, that sucked :|
    I cant wait for your next blog, there always so funny!

    Haha, how are you?

    Greg (:

  4. Jackie says:

    AHHH! Like 3 people in my class have swine flu, 4 more are sick. There are only 12 in my college class -_-

    Hope you survive! But sanitizer? They should at least give you a lifetime supply and some antibacterial spray haha.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Haha, I fucking loved that blog. I seriously chuckled through the whole thing.
    A friend of mine here in Canada had an H1N1 virus scare, but it turned out to be nothing. I'm not afraid of the Swine Flu. I think everyone's going to be fine.
    It's funny how we hear about all these things; Mad Cow Disease, Bird Flu, SARS, etc. and eventually it just fades away, and no one really knows what ended up happening. Personally, I think they're just trying to give us a scare. *shrugs*

  6. Aly says:

    Lmao! Those swine flu puns cracked me up, I think I'm finally starting to realize why your site is named as such! Hehehe. Those pig catching contests sound insane though – how can people actually enjoy such pursuits? Sounds so disgusting, but probably quite amusing to watch. 🙂

  7. Stiil That Dude says:

    Great article!

    I loved the puns.
    Be advised though that are 'still' knuckleheads out there that simply refuse to wash their hands (as if they ever did).

    If I had a dollr for everytime a guy came into public restroom after me, peed while I was still peeing, and then walked out without even touching the sink,…I would be driving a 2009 Maybach right now. LOL!

    PEOPLE WASH YOUR HANDS!!!

    The Swine Flu is only one problem facing us.

    We're gonna have a major 'germ' pandemic before its over with. Don't be fooled either,…its not just a handwashing thing. I think the Swine flu went 'airborn' awhile back and unless we stop breathing,…well, we won't be breathing. No joke.

  8. Still That Dude (edited) says:

    Great article!

    I loved the puns.
    Be advised though that there are 'still' knuckleheads out there that simply refuse to wash their hands (as if they ever did).

    If I had a dollar for every time a guy came into public restroom after me, peed while I was still peeing, and then walked out without even touching the sink,…I would be driving a 2009 Maybach right now. LOL!

    PEOPLE WASH YOUR HANDS!!!

    The Swine Flu is only one problem facing us.

    We're gonna have a major 'germ' pandemic before its over with. Don't be fooled either,…its not just a handwashing thing. I think the Swine flu went 'airborn' awhile back and unless we stop breathing,…well, we won't be breathing. No joke.

  9. Samantha says:

    JUSTIN! How are ya buddy!? We used to be affiliates but I dropped off the web. But now i'm back and I found you! Bwhahaha

  10. Trypp says:

    Lmao… Hamaggedon… that's a good one dude 😉

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