When I was a kid, a self-proclaimed health guru visited my school to teach about nutrition. During his presentation, he remarked, “You are what you eat.” I was mortified. As soon as I got home, I darted under my bed, sobbed like a three-year old girl and cried, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!”
Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles.
Even after my realization that he lied, the lecturer’s words continued to influence my eating habits. I always thought twice before nibbling on candy. For example, in fear of becoming an idiot, I completely avoided dum-dums. Instead, I ate plenty of smarties and chugged entire boxes of nerds.
Looking back, I think I ate more candy after the lecture on healthy eating.
Anyway, isn’t it strange that all these candies correlate with levels of intelligence? I’m convinced the English language is intrinsically linked with calling people stupid.
Another example is the terms smartass and dumbass, which, for the record, don’t make any sense.
Since when does a butt have an IQ level? Is there a brain in my booty? Can my butt educate itself? Will it be bullied and picked on at school? Isn’t butt-picking gross? Should I send my badonkadonk to college? Can it get a job at NASA? What about NASSA?
So many questions. I know that people work their butts off at dances and strip-clubs, but can booties secretly work themselves? Can they earn money? Can I bet my bottom’s actual dollar?
The lingo doesn’t stop there: A wiseass is a really smart smartass. A stupidass is a really dumb dumbass. A stupiderass is a stupidass too stupid to master English. A cheapass is often a smartass, but also a lameass. A lazyass is both a dumbass and a smartass, because he never gets anything done, but also never has to do anything. This also makes him a fatass.
My bad. Sorry for all these wisecracks.
Per my analysis, smartass and dumbass are polar opposites, yet they’re both insults. How is this possible? If it’s because they’re both extreme, then does that mean the desirable outcome is an averageass?
Maybe it’s because the suffix ass has the power to ruin a word. Nah. That logic also fails, because “smart” alone is a nice word, and “dumb” is still negative.
And wouldn’t that make “dumbass” a double negative? This could make sense, though, because a dumbass is more likely to use a double negative.
I’m over-thinking it. Please forgive me for being such an ass.