Tales from the Crib

I frequently stumble across news articles about how children are witnessing too much violence on TV. I’m not here to argue whether this is true or not, but I do think the authors of these articles are hypocrites. I mean, children have always been exposed to traumatizing amounts of violence. Why start caring now?

Exhibit A:
“Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.”

What kind of sicko puts a baby in a tree and leaves him there so that the wind blows it and knocks him down? This death threat has been around since 1765. Censorship-concerned moms are happily singing it to their young ones with huge smiles on their faces.

I mean, close your eyes and actually try to picture what it’s saying. Personally, I imagine Jigsaw from the Saw movies eagerly waiting for his deathtrap’s bough to break. In the background, Rob Zombie is singing “Let the Babies Hit the Floor.”

What the hell did the baby ever do, anyway? It’s not like he deserved this horrible treatment. What crimes can a person commit at five months? Pooping in a diaper isn’t frowned upon until you’re at least thirty.

And did you know that “Rock-A-Bye Baby” is said to be one of the first poems ever written on American soil? Well jeez. That was a promising start for this country…

Back to the point: Long before TV shows and video games were scarring children, we had Mother Goose, or as I like to call her; Murderer Goose.

Murderer Goose also told us the delightful tale of “Jack and Jill.” You know, the one where Jack severely injures his head and Jill spasms uncontrollably while plummeting to her death.

“Humpty Dumpty” is similarly delectable (perhaps a poor choice of words?) The main character, your hero, falls off a wall and has his innards splatter all over the King’s men. No little kid should be subjected to this. The pain sounds eggcruciating.

There’s so much horrible violence being spooned to infants. Wouldn’t it be funny if parents had to lawfully announce a disclaimer to them? “Hansel and Gretel: Rated C for Cannibalism.”

All joking aside, it looks like violence has been a part of children’s lives for quite some time now. Television, ironically, might be the only opportunity for kids to see any happiness at all.

117 Comments Add yours

  1. Kaela says:

    Dude, you changed you're layout. LOL! I think it's really awesome anyhow, got that theemmmee.. XD

    OMFG! I totally agree with you! Those so-called 'bedtime stories' gave me fucking nightmares! Like 'The Three Little Bears'. All I dreamed was me being chased by big hungry bug eyed bears. Roaring and screaming at me for eating their goddamned porridge. MAKE SOME MORE DUMBASS!

    Haha, you are sooo right. Damn't, the guy broke his heard and the girl just keeps on rolling. Yet we're singing it in such a happy tune…

  2. Taversia says:

    Ugh, I hate it when people blame a trouble child's violence on media. It's ridiculous. 😛 Those who can't differenciate between real life and, say, a virtual first person shooter, are absolutely ridiculous… lol.

    As per always Justin, you write great blog articles. <3 :]

  3. Post a new blog. I need a chuckle.

  4. hobo bag says:

    lol, like your article very much!

  5. Eden-Avalon says:

    You think this is awful? I actually grew up reading the original Grimm's fairytales. I would have constant nightmares about birds pecking out my eyes. …Sometimes I fear they still will!

  6. bad names says:

    Good going, parents! :L *sarcastic smile and even more sarcastic clap*

  7. i suck @ names says:

    The rhyme never said Humpty Dumpty was an egg.

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