A Man Walks into a Bar

Walking is overrated. There, I said it. When it comes to traveling from point A to point B, I’d rather be catapulted on fire.

Walking makes my legs sore and lethargic. I hate it so much that when it comes time for a stroll, I have to do it super early in the morning before my brain figures out.

If it were possible to sleepwalk on command, I’d be all over that.

I don’t care if walking is good exercise. If walking is so good for you, then why does every mailman I’ve ever seen look like Rosie O’Donnell?

Okay, forgive me for sounding bitter. While on vacation, I did a lot of walking. It got so bad that my legs gave out, and I fell into a lamp. As I was destroying the light source, I didn’t feel too bright (I’ll see myself out).

And that’s not the only time walking has made me feel stupid. Have you ever walked into a room and then forgot why you walked in there in the first place? It happens to me all the time. Between you and me, I think that’s how dogs live their lives.

I suppose walking isn’t always a bad thing. I do like long walks… when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

When I was a baby, I had it all figured out; I crawled. Crawling was easier on the legs, and it burned way more calories. I wiggled around like a little coyote, and it made me a badass.

Unfortunately, my mom ruined everything. She spent the first 2 years of my life teaching me how to walk and talk. Well, the joke’s on her. She spent the next 18 telling me to sit down and shut-up.

The public school system also pressured me into walking. I remember being taught that before I criticize someone, I should walk a mile in their shoes. That’s pretty good advice. I mean, once you get around to making fun of them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

I’ll admit that there are worse things than walking. At least I’m not jogging. Jogging makes my man-boobs bounce up and down.

I remember reading somewhere that jogging could add years to my life. That’s definitely the truth. Every time I jog, I feel ten years older.

49 Comments Add yours

  1. Tara says:

    I like walking. I daydream the best when I walk on flat grounds, not so much on hills and mountains! But really, walking can be relaxing for me.

  2. Chynna says:

    Lol, your blog posts always make me laugh.
    Kind of see your point though… I hate walking as well. Like, what's the point?
    Well, obviously we have two legs but no-one said we HAD to use them. Haha.


  3. Mandie says:

    I am pretty sure I've already read this blog entry, but I just had to re-read it. Your sarcastic-ness is awesome 😀

  4. Christine says:

    LMAO! That was too funny! I actually enjoy walking (when I put my mind to it, of course). But I'm always so lazy that the idea of walking from the couch to answer the ringing phone in the room behind me seems daunting. But my jelly belly is starting to make me look like a have a second set of boobs emerging from below the real set, so I think it's time to start walking more often. But I, too, am sent into a state of fear and loathing when thinking about jogging, or worse, full-on running. And in my opinion, mailmen are the laziest people ever (no offense to anyone). My mailman is too lazy to deliver smaller packages to my door that he spend like 5 minutes trying to shove it onto my mailbox. In fact, today I received a package that was marked "delivery confirmation". Doesn't that mean he's supposed to DELIVER it then? Nope, he shoved my "do not bend" package into my mailbox. Fatass. I understand it's 113 degrees out, but did it ever occur to you that if you deliver the package to my door, I might just give you a free bottle of water for the road? Huh, seems these mailmen aren't too "bright" either, lol!

  5. This made me laugh! I agree..I don't like to walk either…but I'm glad I CAN! You are funny!!!

  6. spot says:

    I FORCE myself to walk because nowadays I'm stuffing my face with food out of boredom. Walking is the only thing that'll keep from rolling out of the house in the future.

  7. Lorrette says:

    LOL … Yep and as we age when we Jog everything and I mean everything jumps up and down.

    The interesting thing is at my friend Dorrie’s age when she is jogging and then suddenly takes sharp turns say to the left, her face and butt cheeks, boobs, hair and absolutely every flabby thing on her body goes to the right!!! Odd site, very odd site to see.

    Anyhow great blog … luv it! This comes from me …someone who has her very own humor ‘playpen’ as well ….

    Celebrate Life … Laugh Til It Kills Ya!

  8. Jimmy Ng says:

    I walk the walk to healthiness, my daily morning routine walk. It makes me strong and healthy and i get the hang out of it now. The worst thing if you can't walk lest you're lying on the hospital bed. Just a jest. Take care.

  9. kelly says:

    lol this made me laugh so much at points. my friend had an odd situation where she was standing next to me and shes… well… lets say well developed at the chest for a 15 year old girl o_o anyway she turns to me and suddenly says: 'when i run i think i jiggle to muhc. do i jiggle to much?' and starts running on the spot as i see a guy near her suddenly staring at her breasts in either lust or confusion or some other reason… o.o ANYWAY (im starting to ramble) love the comment 😀

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