Vampires can Bite Me

Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something is immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die.

I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart; they’re basically human. That chick from Heroes was more of a badass.

Who came up with the wooden stake idea, anyway? Imagine how boring the Superman comics would be if his greatest weakness was lumber. (Actually, I’d probably want to read an issue).

Vampires are nothing but losers. They have pointy teeth, pale skin, and a fear of sunlight. In other words, they’re freaky anti-social emo losers with a fear of sunlight. Somehow, despite all of this, teen girls across the globe want to spoon them.

Perhaps it’s because the Twilight movies got it all wrong. They made vampires too pretty. Edward Cullen’s greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl.

And for someone who has no reflection, he sure has damn perfect hair.

Even more ridiculous; now these vampires can read minds and predict the future. Half way through New Moon, I thought I was watching an X-Men sequel.

For me, the most unsettling part of Twilight is that Edward watches Bella while she sleeps. How do people find this romantic? It’s creepy. Pardon me for not knowing Paranormal Activity was a chick flick.

It also doesn’t help that he’s older than my grandmother’s grandmother. Just saying.

These Twilight vampires are nothing like real vampires… or, well, nothing like real vampires if vampires were real.

At one point in the film, Bella says, “You’re pale white and ice cold. I know what you are,” and Edward responds, “Say it. Say it, out loud.” Honestly, I was waiting for her to look back at him and exclaim, “Vanilla ice cream!”

The only thing more backwards than Twilight vampires is Twilight werewolves. Just as Edward is a representation of a cougar, Jacob is a representation of bestiality. Stay tuned for a spin-off novel where Bella gives birth to a puppy.

Werewolves were specifically designed to be the most hideous monsters on the planet. They have an abundance of hair, pointy ears, and a gimpy-ass tail. Seriously girls, if that’s your type, why not date my uncle?

Just from experience, the guy that runs around on all fours and barks at the moon is typically not boyfriend material.

In conclusion, I suppose there’s no stopping this strange teenage obsession. But if flesh-eating freaks are the latest craze, don’t be surprised to see t-shirts that read “Team Hannibal.”

105 Comments Add yours

  1. Dyeve says:

    In my conception of vampires 🙂 they are just normal human beings with don't eat normal things like us and not live like normal people ..normal…. but in the rest they seems pretty …ok – some of them. =)

    Nice post, btw! I enjoyed every second. 🙂

    Have a nice week-end!

  2. dyeve says:

    Oups!
    *with*..they just don't..

  3. Lucius Malloy's Boy says:

    Just as a disclaimer, I was never into vampires, and Twilight didn't change that (how could it lol).

    Vampires are the essence of sexiness. It's the same reasoning behind the sexiness of the bad boy, of motorcycles, etc. Vampires are dangerous, and yet utterly seductive. Just watch Vampire Diaries (except not the pilot) or any of the other normal vampire movies (where the vampire does NOT sparkle).

    Werewolves on the other hand, I don't understand. They're cool, but I can't see them being sexy. And fyi Jacob was not a werewolf, he was a SHAPE-SHIFTER and the particular shape their clan shift into is the wolf. They just didn't know the difference between shape-shifters and werewolves.

  4. princess says:

    hahaha so true but edward is still hot i luv how he looks with his perfect hair and awsum paleness and in the other hand jacob wow hes just simply hot especially dose abbs

  5. Black the wolf says:

    Cool

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