Pole Dancing for Babies

While browsing the Internet, I stumbled across a highly disturbing article about a Canadian company that offers pole dancing lessons to girls nine years of age and under. Blah. I blame Miley Cyrus.

For those who don’t frequent strip clubs, pole dancing is what erotic dancers do in place of just going up on stage, taking off their clothes, and standing there naked. The moves are often suggestive and sexual — and why wouldn’t they be? Men don’t go to strip clubs to sip tea, listen to classical music, and discuss existentialism.

This is absolutely no place for a toddler. The only pole a kid should play with should be inside a set of Lincoln Logs.

In the article, the dance instructors emphasize the benefit of exercise, but come on; these are infants. It’s called “baby fat” for a reason.

And that justification is so faulty. Says one of the fitness instructors; “I challenge anybody who has anything to say about it being a bad thing to get up on the pole and try to pull their legs over their head.” Basically, the man is saying that because it’s challenging, it should be allowed. Well, humping a goat is pretty challenging…

Sadly, most of these young pole dancers are oblivious to what they’re actually doing. They’re too innocent to know the true answer to “Who’s your daddy?”

If parents are going to encourage this activity, they should at least sit down with their kids and say “Hey, this is what strippers do to earn money from Grandpa.”

It’s all so trashy. What’s the next class they’ll offer? Leopard Prints 101? Advanced Street-Corner Poses? My First G-String?

And it’s not like the kids will be any good at it. A lot of these youngins don’t even have hair to twirl.

So what’s the point? Imagine your mother saying, “Keep it up, and there may be a dirty wad of twenties in your future.” If anything, this is all an evil plan to help parents avoid ever paying for a college education.

I crack up thinking about six-year-old boys watching them… dressed in pimps coats, wearing chains around their necks, and waving nickels through the air (little kids don’t have much money). In fact, they’ll probably barter for services with bubble gum and Bratz dolls. Fortunately, the youngest pole dancers — still in diapers — would have a place to store everything.

Personally, I think any young girl interested in pole dancing should be redirected towards gymnastics, where she can eventually compete for something other than dollar bills. But to my dismay, there’s actually a petition to make pole dancing an Olympic Sport.

How do you even judge an Olympic pole dancing routine? Do you count the judges’ boners? — “I give it a nine.”

Okay, okay. In all seriousness, there are cultural messages about pole dancing that people need to be honest about. The reason people get upset about young girls grinding on a rod is because it’s inherently sexual, and you can’t assume a kid won’t be affected by other people’s reactions to it.

I mean, how will a little girl who chose pole dancing instead of tap dancing feel in a few years when she finds out what other people think of her?

54 Comments Add yours

  1. katie says:

    oh i failed at writing my own website D:

  2. Debbie/Mom says:

    I think that the little girl who chooses pole dancing rather than tap dancing has a better chance for employment, if college doesn't work out….just sayin'. Seriously, what are the little kids wearing when they pole dance? Are they wearing g-strings, thongs, or leotards? If they're not wearing leotards but the other things,I think this is seriously disturbing stuff and that someone needs to report this company. I really don't think that this is appropriate for young children; although the exercise would be good for them. Love, Mom

  3. Shenae says:

    Amen sister. I looked this up to see if this was just a humorous rant, but when I saw how factual it was, it made me drop my coke can. And I loves me some coca-cola so I was pissed for two reasons. Then again, when you look at the "women"(should be more like little girls) in main stream media, what can you expect. You see 15(*cough* miley)year old girls half way stripping on TV. My boyfriend has started calling the disney tv girls the "Disney Channel Sluts" because when they are so young and take clothing off on air and sing about sexual things, what would little girls who idolize them expect. Ya know?

  4. That's indeed disturbing. Though there's a fitness centre here that offers pole dancing lessons and I'm actually interested to try since it's a good exercise routine. At least, they don't offer that courses to children.

    Surprisingly in Norway even though we're very liberal in terms of equality and gay marriages, we don't really have a culture for strip clubs. In Bergen, the second largest city and where I came from, we only have one strip club and the dancers are really professionals. Also feminism is quite strong here.

    Anyway, regarding to the vaj opening a bottle of beer, my mum swore it's true because she also saw it herself down in the tropics.

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