The cellphone has been saving the world from awkward situations since 1973.
Imagine you’re heading back to your dorm after one of those crazy get-drunk-and-make-bad-choices parties you see in a typical rom-com. As you drink and dash, you see a creepy guy from the party named Ted that you made out with. He doesn’t look nearly as good as he did two hours ago.
Also, Ted smells like kitten poop. Why? Just because.
You’d be doomed if you couldn’t pull out your cellphone and pretend to do something important as you pass him.
Don’t deny it. We all rely on cellphones to spare us from awkward encounters. I’ve actually perfected the technique. Usually, I write fake text messages to the person I’m trying to avoid. This way, my fingers’ movements look authentic.
The text will say something like, “Hey Rebecca, I don’t want to stop and talk to you, because you never shut up, and last time I stopped, you made me late to class, because you spent twenty five minutes talking about how your throat hurts, which is kind of ironic, and, oh, great, I made it past you.”
It’s a genius idea until you accidentally send one.
Cellphones also make it easier to say what’s on your mind. Without the face-to-face confrontation, I can text whatever the hell I want. It’s a lot easier to tell someone his chin looks like a butt when I’m safe at home… miles away from his fist (which looks like multiple butts).
Additionally, cellphones give me the courage to be annoying. Before their existence, I couldn’t walk into a store and talk to myself. Now, however, I can babble like a lunatic and avoid any consequences by merely pointing at the Bluetooth device in my ear.
But I do have to draw the line somewhere. I don’t think it’s fair to blame cellphones for car accidents. Seriously people, put the damn phone away while you’re driving. You’re driving a car; not a telephone booth. And while we’re on the subject, it’s not a beauty parlor or restaurant, either.
Even though cellphones spare me some weird encounters, I suppose they can also cause a few. There’s been times when I’ve texted someone, even though I didn’t want to, merely because they wouldn’t stop.
Fortunately, during every texting session in the world, at some point, a text is sent that means: “This is the end of the conversation. I’m gonna go do something interesting now.”