I was in the middle of watching “Yo Gabba Gabba”… which isn’t creepy at all… when suddenly I had an urge to go potty. I became furious. Not only must I now abandon my dancing puppet friends, but I was officially going to lose the next 15 minutes of my life.
Bathroom breaks are so annoying. Why can’t the human body be more efficient? Birds poop in like two seconds and it helps them fly. Our bodies are backwards; birds have to poop in order to move, but humans have to move in order to poop.
And to make matters worse, once I finally sat on the seat, I realized I had forgotten my phone. What the hell was I going to do? Sitting all alone with no technology can be, well, lonely.
To prevent death by boredom, I found myself analyzing the shower curtain and playing “spot the pattern” with the floor tiles. I even started reading the back of a shampoo bottle and checking its caloric content. Think about that.
I don’t know what I would have done without that bottle. All bathrooms should have one. I bet that’s why it’s called shamPOO.
Do you ever find yourself doing these same stupid activities when you’re on the toilet? I can’t be alone. I mean, the average person spends close to a year and a half of their life on the crapper, and I doubt anyone spends the entire time sitting perfectly still like some sort of potty zombie.
As a species, it’s like our brains have evolved to develop a coping mechanism; allowing us to find excitement in the dumbest things as soon as our butts hit the seat.
When we’re on the toilet, we’re compelled to do something. ANYTHING. Perhaps going to the bathroom is our cure for procrastination.
To be honest, I’ve found myself blowing my nose, reading a book, checking my email, texting, tweeting, studying for an exam, meditating, and even taking part in a phone interview. I almost got the job until the motion sensor made the toilet flush.
Come to think of it, maybe the human body is efficient after all. Bathroom breaks might seem like a big waste of time, but they can actually be super productive.
After all, where do you think I wrote this article?