Science Destroyed my Childhood

All across the globe, scientists are hard at work; discovering more and more about the world around us. They’re making miraculous breakthroughs in fields such as astronomy, genetics, and medicine. But unfortunately, as these developments continue, I can’t help but notice that science is slowly destroying my childhood memories. Below is a list of cases where science has given my adolescence the middle finger.

1. Pluto Is Not A Planet

In 2006, Pluto was robbed of its planetary status by the International Astronomical Union, because it did not “dominate the neighborhood” around its orbit. With its comet-like appearance, it was officially demoted to “dwarf planet.” Those bitches. How is a dwarf PLANET not a planet? I mean, cell PHONES are still phones. I’ve got a message for the IAU: next time you touch one of my planets, I’m gonna kick Uranus.

When I was in elementary school, my teacher taught me the useful mnemonic device: “my very educated mother just served us nine pizzas.” Without Pluto, the delightful chant has been smashed to smithereens. Now I have: “my very educated mother just served us… nachos? noodles? NOTHING?” I love my mom, but she can’t be very educated if she thinks she can rip me off like that.

2. The Brontosaurus Never Existed

When I was a kid, I collected dinosaur figurines. I adored them. For hours at a time, I’d make my dino pals claw, roar, fight, attack, kill, and even tap dance. I loved to pit my favorite dinosaur, the Triceratops, against the evil Mr. Brontosaurus. Unfortunately, this memory is ruined for me, because the Brontosaurus is as real as the Tooth Fairy.

A long time ago, some dude found the remains of a dinosaur and dubbed it the Apatosaurus. Shortly after, another guy found the remains of another dinosaur and dubbed it the Brontosaurus. It was discovered that the two remains were of the same species and the second guy was an idiot. Apatosaurus took precedence, erasing Bronosaurus from existence and completely ruining the “Land Before Time” series. Damn… at least I still have my Triceratops. Oh shit.

3. Forget About Starfish

Starfish are very marketable to children. They pop up in many children’s books, cartoons, and toys. Perhaps it’s because of their name; I mean, you’ve got a basic shape and a basic animal combining to make an awesome complex creature. The name is utter brilliance. Unfortunately, marine biologists think otherwise. Since starfish aren’t really fish, they’ve been renamed “seastars.”

Setting aside the fact that “seastars” aren’t great burning orbs of gas light-years away, or that many of them don’t live in the sea, but rather in the ocean, I think this raises an interesting question: what about all the other confusing animal names? Killer whales should be called dolphins, dragon-flies should be called lame, and sand dollars should be called “not-real-currency.” And we should drop all the weird scientific names. The scientific name for a seastar is “asteroidea.” Hell, that’s what we should call Pluto.

52 Comments Add yours

  1. Angelica says:

    How will things be when we are old? Will young people laugh at the things we took for granted as real science back in the 1900s and early 00s? Like we laugh at previous generations who thought the earth was flat and the centre of the universe?

  2. Sakura says:

    Wow. Starfishes are named as seastars instead? Oh my. I still prefer to call it starfish!

  3. Christine says:

    I look forward to your posts all the time! This was absolutely hilarious. I remember when they decided that Pluto was no longer a planet. I was in my second year of college and was giving a big WTF to my physics professor who tried so hard to explain the reasoning to a young English major who hated science to begin with, and now hated it even more for the reasons you have stated above. He told me if it meant that much to me I should get another tattoo. Thanks professor!

  4. THuyy says:

    My mom signed up for something on the Kohls website and they sent the 10$ off coupon! (:

    My dad's whole family is from Paris! They all live there, too. lol So they all should speak French. I speak none, unfortunately. So can you at least understand a lot of French? And be able to kinda reply?

    Bahaha it was fun! And our dog had.. fun, I guess, too! (Not really, he hates water! D:)

  5. Courtney says:

    I knew about Pluto (also very upset about that) but I didn't know about the other 2 things you mentioned…. don't you sometimes (or most of the time) wish we could all go back to the 90s and stay there? I mean, besides all the science stuff, everything else was better too! I mean, take TV shows for instance! How I miss the 90s to much…

  6. Dorine says:

    I totally didn't know about all these stuff you mentioned. The Pluto one, a little. I wasn't exposed to it very much but I knew just a little through the news. 🙂

    You make me laugh, Justin. You are one truly amazing blogger. 😀

  7. Kim says:

    You know, I didn't know that starfish were renamed into seastars. I still want to call them starfish. lol.

    I think the one that always bothered me the most was that pluto is no longer a planet. IT WAS MY FAVORITE PLANET! I guess they'll have to say "My very excited mother served us noodles" now. haha.

  8. Lissa says:

    Lol. now you mention it… I never really thought about it before, but you're completely right! Things change so much when we get older -_-;

  9. Tiffany says:

    "The Brontosaurus Never Existed"

    Welp. Adulthood = ruined.

  10. Jamie says:

    I remember being absolutely and utterly heartbroken when Pluto lost it's planet status. There for awhile there were all kinds of cool novelty tshirts online that were like "When I was your age…Pluto was a planet." It's just absolutely crazy to think about.

    As far as the dinosaurs go, I was never really into the playing with toy dino's but I do remember "Brontosaurus" being one of the few dinosaur names I actually new about simply to impress my band of seven year old boyfriends at the time. ha (:

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