Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building

Elvis Presley was one of the most popular singers of the 20th century. With his commanding voice and charismatic stage presence, he rose from humble circumstances to launch a rock and roll revolution. Strangely, despite his success, he’s best known for his mysterious death. An event so unexpected, some people deny it even happened; claiming, rather, that he still walks among us. If true, their claims put those bath salt zombies to shame.

These people base their claims on “Elvis sightings.” They say they’ve spotted him at a grocery store, at a gas station, at a Wendy’s drive-through…

So why am I bringing this up? Well, my mom is one of these conspiracy-theorist nutjobs. No, she hasn’t had an Elvis sighting (perhaps she would if she ate more Frostys), but nonetheless, she is absolutely positive that Elvis is still alive. In fact, she even “knows” his new identity: a Bible thumper from Oklahoma named Jon Cotner.

She’s not alone in this theory. The Internet is flooded with speculation, and to everyone’s credit, there are some spooky coincidences. Jon Cotner and Elvis share the same birthday, same singing voice, same facial structure, and Cotner was even sighted chillin’ with Lisa Marie Presley.

But that’s where it stops. Scientifically, there is no evidence proving Elvis and Cotner are the same person. Zero. Zip. Nada. If Elvis is still alive, he could just as easily be anyone else. I mean, with his wavy hair, designer shades, and white sequined jumpsuits, all signs point to Lady Gaga.

Besides, sporting a tummy and a thick white beard, Jon Cotner looks more like Santa Claus. Therefore, if we’re going to assume Jon Cotner is Elvis, by the transitive property, we must also conclude that Elvis became Santa. It makes just as much sense.

Perhaps Elvis was assigned to be Santa (kinda like jury duty), so he gained a bunch of weight and faked his death. It would explain his Christmas albums… And maybe the Elvis impersonators in Las Vegas are his elves?

Hell, why stop at Santa? Maybe Elvis is the answer to all the world’s greatest mysteries. Don’t believe me? Check out these grainy, pixelated photos I took…

Clearly, Elvis is also the Lochness Monster… Maybe he sang about hound dogs because “You Ain’t Nothin’ but a Sea Creature” wasn’t as catchy.

Elvis also built Stonehenge. It’s the infamous “Jailhouse ROCK.” After all, he is the King of ROCK and roll…

Elvis is also Bigfoot. His blue suede shoes are at least a size 30.

I could keep going, but these startling revelations are messing with my mind. I’m baffled. I’m terrified. I’m all shook up

43 Comments Add yours

  1. Sakura says:

    Yeah, it was amazing. I managed to buy lots of things that I wanted and took lots of photos. Unfortunately, it was an extremely tiring trip as we have to rush around.

  2. Christa says:

    Most of those who say he's still alive, I think are just trying to hold onto a part of their youth – I say that because most of those who run with the thought he's still alive are ones who grew up listening to him. Which is cool, think whatever you want, but it's not newsworthy…I mean some days I see look-a-likes but it's not the top story on the 5:00 news. Yes…I'm not an Elvis fan at all.

  3. Thuyy says:

    … huh? …NAHHH. That's not possible. Elvis is dead, I read it in my history textbook. lol LEAVE HIM ALONE!! D:

    Goodness, Justin, those pictures are… very… well-photoshopped. lol

  4. Uglyfish says:

    I personally have seen the Loch Ness Monster and can confirm that it really is Elvis. My Dad denied it, but I think he might be involved in the cover up.

    You're very brave giving this information to the public….

  5. Nancy says:

    I have had an "Elvis signting" recently. I saw him doing pullups at X Fest where the X Games took place last month. I have a picture of him somewhere in my twitter media archives!

    With the internet being all powerful these days, these speculations about Elvis still being around is just as crazy as the conspiracists. With all of these ideas about Elvis still here, is it up to us to believe what really goes down?

    At the very most, I'm more convinced that Elvis is a member of the us navy. I mean, he did do 15 pullups without a problem. (1 is a challenge for me. Go band kids!)

  6. Jhase says:

    Elvis lives in my gym. I'm sure of it. One day, I will expose him for the hidden creature he is! He will then provide me with this fountain of youth for living in hiding so long! THE MYSTERY WILL BE MINE!

    Or we'll just share some coke and lime, while he serenades me. One or the other, I'm fine with either.

  7. nyuu says:

    It's NOT impossible, but I think he's pretty much dead for a long time now. (lol unless he's really Lady Gaga, then that is pretty cool, too). It would be so much easier if he was the answer to everything mysterious about our world, though haha

  8. Holly says:

    I've not seen Elvis but I have seen people that I am sure are suppose to be dead. Okay I sound crazy now…

    According to the True Blood books, Elvis is a vampire, but he hasn't converted properly and he's a little bit slow.

  9. JHEN says:

    I'm not very familiar with him xD i guess I'm not that updated at all o.O tehee. though, Those images kinda annoy me and make me laugh xD hahaha :))

  10. Jenny says:

    i too wanted to believe that Elvis Presley and Jon Cotner were the same but they are not. Tell your mum that Elvis had large (long floppy) ear lobes and Jon Cotner has shorter neat ear lobes. It is physically impossible for ear lobes to get shorter with age. Also, Elvis and Jon have totally different skin complexions…Elvis had skin that would tan in the sun but Jon's fair skin just goes red. Elvis never had a ruddy complexion. I am guessing that Jon would have had reddish hair before he went grey.

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