Valentine’s Day: Love by the Pound

Love is in the air, boys and girls. It’s time for passion, romance, and uncomfortable public displays of affection. Yep, Valentine’s Day is approaching, and if this is news to you, you’re probably alone.

… Not that it’s a bad thing. I mean, I’m single too… for the first time in years, actually. I’m not upset. It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

Besides, my prince charming will come eventually. He just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is way too stubborn to ask for directions.

I remember in grade school when no one ever felt alone. Everyone was required to pass out Valentine’s Day cards to everyone else. It was great… Although it did get awkward when you had nothing to say to someone, and your card consisted of a greeting like “Nice pants.”

Actually, grade school kinda made us spoiled. Now everyone feels entitled to a valentine. And when people can’t find one, they get desperate. I have a friend who gets a Valentine’s Day gift for his mother. It’s like, “Dude, don’t you know that she’s banging your dad?”

And that’s only the beginning. Valentine’s Day is full of creepiness. Need I remind you that we celebrate by sending each other pictures of an internal organ?

And then there’s Cupid. Nothing sounds more illegal than an invisible flying baby that shoots two unsuspecting people with a crossbow, forces them to fornicate, and watches the entire thing from outside a window.

Perhaps my Valentine’s Day pessimism stems from the fact that it’s a holiday about exploiting people for money. In order to show our love for one another, we’re encouraged to buy expensive jewelry, chocolates, candles, teddy bears, bubble baths, giftcards, pregnancy tests…

Why all the candy? What’s so sexy about weight gain? It’s like the big corporations want us to look hideous so we break up and spend more money next year wooing somebody else…

It’s true. We eat candy that tastes like chalk for absolutely no other reason. And all this weight gain is subliminally encouraged via lovey-dovey food puns: You’re so sweet, You’re the icing on my cake, We’re mint for each other, I’m not playing twix, I love you to pizzas…

In my opinion, people need to be romantic in ways that actually matter. Spend time together. Talk. Laugh. Hug. Kiss. Eat. Pray. Love. And don’t just do it once a year. Show love and affection every day.

This year, my valentine is my bed. We’ll spend the day cuddling & sleeping together. I’ll also find some time for my EX……. Box 360.

21 Comments Add yours

  1. Emmanairn says:

    Lets Have Sex

  2. Sakura says:

    Hi. I have nominated you for the Leibster Blog Award. Do check out my blog for more information. Hope that you have the time to do it. 🙂

  3. Aashni says:


    So I know this is a super old post, and I'm hoping you come back and blog soon. As usual, I'm sitting here laughing my ass off! I'm hoping you enjoyed valentines day with your Ex Box and bed 🙂

    How have you been?

  4. Amy says:

    So true…

  5. John says:

    That's so funny, never thought of it that way.

    In Japan it's so commercialized that there's a separate holiday for guys and gals. So girls give chocolate on Valentine's Day. Guys are just over here praying they don't get too much because they're expected to give twice as much as they received on March 14, which is called White Day. Needless to say no one knows that my birthday is on Valentine's Day!

    1. [132] sean“Down in Virgina he would not have even been stopped for having a bulge in his jacket at a Quick check.”Sorry, I call b.s. VA requires a permit for concealed carry, which is anything but walking down the street with your hogleg displayed or holstered in plain view. If you have a jacket over it, or you are in a car, it’s concealed.Further, getting a permit in VA is a b1tch. They require training, certification, background, the works. And remember, NoVa is essentially its own blue state, and he had to pass thru NoVa to get here.

    2. Jing Li – Yes it’s true that driving standards in China are poor among the entire population not just the rich. Even the people on bicycles ignore all the rules and are often killed as a result. Let’s all agree to be careful and vigilant out there.

  6. Sinadee says:

    I spent this valentines eating brownies I made (I make a promise to bake for valentines annually) and deciding whether or not I should try to make amends with someone with the brownie…I decided they would probably just want the brownie so I ate it. The rest were given to my close friends.

  7. Vivian says:

    Haha i love this artical it's so true

  8. Kate says:

    This is a great article! I believe that one day my true love will find me, but until then I'll love my bed….

  9. Hi Brenda,I think they will be ok outside for a week or so. Keep them against a wall or the side of the greenhouse to protect them a little. You could spray with Bordeaux Mixture or Systhane if you you want to be sure to protect them from fungal disease, but a week should be ok if they are strong healthy plants.Regards,Nick

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