http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php? en-us http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1336445215 "Yo Gabba Gabba"... which isn't creepy at all... when suddenly I had an urge to go to the bathroom. I became furious. Not only must I now abandon my dancing puppet friends, but I was officially losing 10-15 minutes of my life. Grr... it's so annoying. Call me lazy, but why can't the human body be more efficient? Birds poop in like two seconds (and it often lands on people's heads... heehee). We're backwards. Birds have to poop in order to move, but humans have to move in order to poop.]]> 1336445215 Mon, 07 May 2012 22:46:55 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1305744798 sharpied a dingdong on my face. It turns out, they were actually laughing at the strange noises I was making. Apparently, I moan in my sleep. Now, to my knowledge, these aren't sexual moans (if they are, I deserve more exciting dreams). Rather, it's more like I fail at breathing. A quick search on Google shows that I'm not alone.]]> 1305744798 Wed, 18 May 2011 14:53:18 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1305344663 important while you pass him?]]> 1305344663 Fri, 13 May 2011 23:44:23 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1293780861 1293780861 Fri, 31 Dec 2010 02:34:21 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1281655607 It's time to get a watch."]]> 1281655607 Thu, 12 Aug 2010 19:26:47 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1281120623 disturbing article. The article, believe it or not, is about a Canadian company that offers pole dancing classes for girls nine years of age and under. Uhh...what the hell. Damn you Miley Cyrus. For those who don't watch much TV or frequent strip clubs, pole dancing is what erotic dancers do in place of just walking up on stage, taking off their clothes, and standing there naked. The moves are often suggestive and sexual -- and why wouldn't they be?]]> 1281120623 Fri, 06 Aug 2010 14:50:23 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1279123498 Heroes is more of a badass. And who came up with the wooden stake idea, anyway? Imagine how boring the Superman comics would be if his greatest weakness was lumber.]]> 1279123498 Wed, 14 Jul 2010 12:04:58 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1277453685 homosexual. Hoping to make people connect, I made it as humorous as possible. I am glad to say that it was very well received by everyone. In fact, I've been asked to write a second monologue for the upcoming school year. With this news, I thought I'd share the original one with you.]]> 1277453685 Fri, 25 Jun 2010 04:14:45 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1275259240 1275259240 Sun, 30 May 2010 18:40:40 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1273526485 1273526485 Mon, 10 May 2010 17:21:25 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1267735820 1267735820 Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:50:20 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1264664882 love Lady Gaga. We sure do. Perhaps too much. Some might call it a bad romance... hardy har har.... Bleh. I tried. Anyway, when we found out that she was performing in a concert nearby, we didn't hesitate to buy tickets, skip class, make our own outfits, and drive three hours to see her. For our efforts, we even ended up on the news. Yayness! The following video is a funny account of our adventure. Consider yourself warned. The video is after the jump.]]> 1264664882 Thu, 28 Jan 2010 02:48:02 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1263396486 major cause for concern. Now, I'm not talking about Doomsday predictions, terrorist attacks, or even global warming. This is way worse. I bet you're all thinking, "Oh my god, don't tell me. I want to be able to sleep tonight." Yeah, well, get over it... I must. Painfully. Bah. Okay, I've built up the suspense long enough. I might as well tell you: I'm worried for the companies that produce novelty New Year's glasses.]]> 1263396486 Wed, 13 Jan 2010 10:28:06 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1262555143 news article about how children are witnessing too much violence on TV. I’m not here to argue whether this is true or not, but I do think that the authors of these articles are hypocritical doodieheads. I mean, children have always been exposed to traumatizing amounts of violence. Why start caring now? EXHIBIT A: "Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop, When the wind blows, the cradle will rock, When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, And down will come baby, cradle and all."]]> 1262555143 Sun, 03 Jan 2010 16:45:43 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1262175133 one easy solution that makes the world a better place. I don’t think it makes much sense, but it promises to open some doors.]]> 1262175133 Wed, 30 Dec 2009 07:12:13 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1257899352 mortified. As soon as I got home, I darted under my bed, sobbed like a three-year old girl, and cried, "I don't wanna be a cheeseburger!" Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles. Even after my realization that he had lied to me, the lecturer's words continued to influence my eating habits. For example, I always thought twice before nibbling on candy.]]> 1257899352 Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:29:12 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1252270680 pig catching competitions (otherwise known as society's downfall). Idiots sign up to chase oily, muddy piglets around a pen for money. Anyone who's ever witnessed this hilarious spectacle knows that catching swine is nearly impossible. So that being said, why is it so much easier to catch Swine Flu? The H1N1 virus is spreading fear throughout the United States. And according to CNN, my college has one of the worst outbreaks of Swine Flu in the Midwest.]]> 1252270680 Sun, 06 Sep 2009 16:58:00 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1249964196 (in my head), but at the same time, I feel a little guilty. I mean, what if I did a crappy job? I might have inadvertently ruined their marriage before it even started. Some day, the spouses may get into a huge fight over diaper-changing and remember the awful vocalist that started it all... "I know I told you it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings, but remember the chubby homo from our wedding? He's close enough."]]> 1249964196 Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:16:36 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1248876479 Bratz dolls, and the occasional Mr. Potato Head. Parents watch adoringly, and the whole world is full of happiness. Bleh. I don't know about you, but my childhood Christmases never looked anything like that. In fact, they were the opposite. Instead of]]> 1248876479 Wed, 29 Jul 2009 10:07:59 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1248058991 "abbreviations" such a long-ass word? I mean, in my opinion, when talking to friends online, it seems only fair and courteous to spell out entire words. Otherwise, you're deliberately being lazy and messing with people's minds! The only time that I use chatspeak is when someone isn't worth my time. For example, if I was going to breakup with someone through a letter, it might look a little something like this (see how much you can translate):]]> 1248058991 Sun, 19 Jul 2009 23:03:11 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1246911315 household pets, and maybe even male genitalia, but to me, it makes no sense to give names to tropical storms. Hell, they don't name tornadoes, snowstorms, earthquakes, blizzards, or any other natural disaster... So why not just say there's a hurricane coming? That'd do it for me. In the beginning, there were only female names. My guess is that angry men did all the naming -- a bunch of losers who'd been in painful relationships and wanted to get even with]]> 1246911315 Mon, 06 Jul 2009 16:15:15 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1246377603 neighbors, and I know that I should love my enemies (strangely, these are the same people). But growing up, my mother always pressured me to dig deeper. She said that it'd scare the hell out of me. Considering the irony in her remark, I never took it seriously. There's only one occasion in which I encounter the Bible. And no, it's not church (that'd be too obvious). I'm talking, of course, about vacations.]]> 1246377603 Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:00:03 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1245947844 "Do-Nothing" infomercials to self-proclaimed "Gurus," businesses are always plotting to beat you up and take your lunch money. If people need your cash, then they clearly don't know how to get rich fast. Duh. Oh, and for the record, there is no such thing as a free iPod. If time is money, then 50 billion hours of online surveys is a tad bit fricken expensive. I suppose that there's some truth in advertising.]]> 1245947844 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 12:37:24 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1244876362 perverted clown who's lovin' it. But trust me, we were having a great time. Love was in the air -- A love so strong that it almost overpowered the smell of french fries and obese children. Almost. As we ate our food, we smiled and laughed. We were having a happy meal. Not even the Hamburglar could have robbed us of our bliss.]]> 1244876362 Sat, 13 Jun 2009 02:59:22 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1243874238 literary skills? Gosh. It seems like the standards for publication have been lowered recently. Nowadays, many novels are written by celebrities, criminals, liars, murderers, convicted sex offenders, crooked politicians, tattle-tales, plus friends and relatives of all of the above. I mean, I just read an article about a woman from Alabama who had a crappy childhood and wanted people to know about it.]]> 1243874238 Mon, 01 Jun 2009 12:37:18 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1243010141 grocery shopping as a kid. I mean, even though I was being dragged away from my Pink Power Ranger toy, all was forgiven as soon as I entered those magical self-opening doors at Kmart. And no... it was never for the "family experience." Heck, I didn't even look forward to bugging my mom for Chips Ahoy cookies (though I still did it). For me, it was all about those automatic coupon dispensers.]]> 1243010141 Fri, 22 May 2009 12:35:41 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1242453332 commercials that reference this silly idea. And surprisingly, many scientists also back up the claim. Okay then. So how does it work? I mean, obviously, plants need carbon dioxide to grow, and when you talk to a plant, you breath on it; fulfilling this requirement. But let's be realistic... it would take hours to make a difference... and you'd have to be really close to the plant...]]> 1242453332 Sat, 16 May 2009 01:55:32 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1242187326 worthy-of-a-made-up-word-uper day. The sun is radiantly glowing through the bedroom windows, and the outside birds are chirping with glee (the perfect ratio of chirping to where it's not annoying). You get out of bed, slide on your slippers, and head out to the driveway to get the local newspaper. Lo and behold, you find two pipe bombs in your front lawn... What do you do?]]> 1242187326 Wed, 13 May 2009 00:02:06 -0400 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1235200458 Herpes... (not really... but boy, that sure as hell grabbed your attention). I do, however, have something strikingly similar. This "infection" typically goes unnoticed. In fact, I usually forget all about it, until it pops up and surprises me every year. It's unpredictable, it causes pain, and it's highly contagious. Sometimes I wish it would go away forever! I'm talking, of course, about my birthday. Be careful. Just from reading this, you might have one too.]]> 1235200458 Sat, 21 Feb 2009 02:14:18 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1234464340 mystery meat in school cafeterias. ‘Nothing wrong with that. But with all of these common, “normal-people” phobias, I feel a little ostracized. My fear is rather odd. So now you’re probably curious. You’re thinking to yourself, “What on Earth is this thing that scares him so much?” Well, quit thinking so narrow-mindedly… My fear doesn’t come from this planet; I’m scared of aliens.]]> 1234464340 Thu, 12 Feb 2009 13:45:40 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1233810319 The early bird gets the worm. -- Oh popular idiom, how I despise you. So the bird with the alarm clock goes farther in life, eh? I see how it is. But what about the poor birds? You know, the ones that can't afford alarm clocks. The ones that live in card-board nests. The ones on bird-feed stamps. The ones that fly around with banners on their tails that read "will work for alarm clock." Huh? Huh? What about them? So, I guess this means that successful people have to wake up early. Damn.]]> 1233810319 Thu, 05 Feb 2009 00:05:19 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1233292210 laughed in your face. That being said, the fact that I had three of them this week is beyond me. Never in my life have I ever been so confused about the weather. First off, before this all started, the temperature outside was very hot. I was not expecting cold weather; yet alone the fact that it looked like Frosty the Snowman had exploded in my parking lot. Second, I am not a morning person. Although it may]]> 1233292210 Fri, 30 Jan 2009 00:10:10 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1232824314 singing Beyonce's "If I Were a Boy" on Youtube. The two girls, known as "Rin on the Rox" rocked the hell out of that song! We were so moved by what we saw, that we decided to film our own tribute to it. Below is the result of us trying to sing a song completely out of our range. Please don't take us seriously, because we didn't. Now, enjoy! Oh, and we messed up at the end. Fast-forward to it for a nice laugh.]]> 1232824314 Sat, 24 Jan 2009 14:11:54 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1232404734 one family in the bubbly town of Deltona, Florida. From downstairs, an angry mother screamed for her nineteen year old son to come down and eat his Mexican food. Preoccupied with his video game, the boy continuously ignored her. As the woman finally lost her patience, she stormed up to his room and unplugged his Xbox. From there, a crazy dispute unfolded that eventually led to the son in jail, accused of throwing a taco.]]> 1232404734 Mon, 19 Jan 2009 17:38:54 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1232016231 confidence? Would you like to get down to a size four for your sister's no-fatties-allowed wedding? Would you like to enjoy amusement park rides from inside the cars? - Well, worry no more! Weight loss can now be instant and require absolutely no effort. The newest diet revelation has finally arrived! Introducing: CHAINSAW. With CHAINSAW, all of your problems can be solved! The procedure has a high success rate and takes nearly no time!]]> 1232016231 Thu, 15 Jan 2009 05:43:51 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1231749525 robbed a man at gunpoint in Columbus, Ohio. They got away with his car, cash, and cell phone. The crime was executed brilliantly, and there was no evidence left behind; these crooks were true masterminds. Hours later, however, the victim sent a text message to his stolen phone. In it, he stated that he had some hot chicks and drugs and wanted to meet up somewhere. The criminals, for some dumbass reason, thought he was legit and arrived at the scene. Now they're in prison.]]> 1231749525 Mon, 12 Jan 2009 03:38:45 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1231480647 spoon away). If I start with a frown and then quickly change it to a smile, I am only continuing my day with a smile, rather than truly starting it.]]> 1231480647 Fri, 09 Jan 2009 00:57:27 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1231236650 stewardesses (yes, that's actually the plural form) have been fired by Air India for being "too fat to fly."According to BBC News, the airline stated that the women failed to meet company weight restrictions, which are calculated according to height and age. Fighting back, the stewardesseseses (now I'm just having fun with the word) failed to get the policy declared unconstitutional by the Indian High Court. Talk about a heavy defeat! I'm absolutely appalled by the airline's decision.]]> 1231236650 Tue, 06 Jan 2009 05:10:50 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1231021804 sneezes cannot be heard by the human ear. I've never received a 'god bless you' in my entire life (well... not for sneezes at least... I’ve said many other stupid things that have warranted the lord's blessings... but... hey... wait a minute... I think I just called myself an idiot... yup... I did... now I'm sad... someone hold me to make the pain go away... and pat my head... and call me Susan... and uhh... whoa... awkward... yeah... I'm gonna close these parenthesis now).]]> 1231021804 Sat, 03 Jan 2009 17:30:04 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1230682954 resolutions. Some people go to church and pray for renewed relationships with God. Others vow to make positive changes in their own personal lives; such as losing weight or vanquishing bad habits. Yet for some strange reason, as the clock strikes midnight, people go crazy, get drunk, destroy furniture, pass out on other people's beds]]> 1230682954 Tue, 30 Dec 2008 19:22:34 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1230450382 stupid things (along with dancing Santas and fanny-packs). You see, normally I'm more romantic than every walk on the beach combined (shut the hell up), but something about these "glistening" dinners totally irks me. Candlelight dinners were created by ugly people.]]> 1230450382 Sun, 28 Dec 2008 02:46:22 -0500 http://ipeedalittle.com/blog.php?1230181211 eventually. It's a completely natural process. There's no avoiding it... I mean, the choice is simple: either take the tinkle or attempt to hold it in. (I tried the latter once... Don't use duct tape). I'm serious, though... holding it in is bad. I heard once from Animal Planet that you could get really bloated and rapidly grow into like a giant milk carton of urine (a urine carton?) that loudly and painfully leads to your body exploding into millions]]> 1230181211 Thu, 25 Dec 2008 00:00:11 -0500