The Olympics Needs More Boobs

With the 2012 London Olympics underway, I can’t help but feel the spirit. Unlike other television broadcasts, the Olympics has me so pumped that I’m actively participating. In the past few days, I’ve found myself yelling at the TV screen, attempting to recreate the gymnastics routines (I almost broke a lamp), Googling all the countries…

3 Bizarre New Years Traditions

I’ve concluded that every New Years tradition originates from a lunatic. No joke. People do really bizarre shit when they celebrate. Here in America, we drink, make out, blow things up in the sky, and generate obnoxious noises with pots and pans. Perhaps worst of all, we watch a ball drop (which sounds like we’re…

Pole Dancing for Babies

While browsing the Internet, I stumbled across a highly disturbing article about a Canadian company that offers pole dancing lessons to girls nine years of age and under. Blah. I blame Miley Cyrus. For those who don’t frequent strip clubs, pole dancing is what erotic dancers do in place of just going up on stage,…

The End is in Sight

I’m freaking out right now. I can barely breathe. With 2010 upon us, there is a major cause for concern. No, I’m not talking about Doomsday predictions, terrorist attacks, or even global warming. This is worse. So what is it, you ask? Death. Well, at least death to the companies that produce novelty New Year’s…

Tales from the Crib

I frequently stumble across news articles about how children are witnessing too much violence on TV. I’m not here to argue whether this is true or not, but I do think the authors of these articles are hypocrites. I mean, children have always been exposed to traumatizing amounts of violence. Why start caring now? Exhibit…

Whine about the Swine

I’ve always wanted to attend a pig catching competition. It’d be fun to watch idiots chase oily, muddy piglets around a pen for money. After watching a few YouTube clips, I’ve learned that catching swine is nearly impossible. But with that being said, why the hell is it so easy to catch Swine Flu? The…

This Story is Explosive

Let’s do a thought experiment. Imagine it’s a beautiful Saturday morning. You just woke up and hopped out of bed. You’re a little groggy, but since you got to sleep in, you’re generally feeling fantastic. You slide on your Hello Kitty slippers, swallow your pride, and exit the bedroom. You make your way to the kitchen for breakfast;…

Fat People Can’t Fly

I’m not the biggest fan of airplanes. For one, I’m afraid of heights. I also find the chairs cramped and uncomfortable. Lastly, I don’t enjoy sitting next to complete strangers who, with my luck, are frequently gassy. If someone told me I could never board a plane again, I’d happily oblige. Goodbye and good riddance….

Happy New Year, You Drunk Bastard

New Year’s Eve is the time for new beginnings. It’s the time to start fresh and forget about your mistakes. It’s the time to get your shit together. To do this, we makes resolutions. Some plan to visit church and pray for renewed relationships with God. Others vow to make positive changes in their personal lives; such as losing weight or vanquishing…