Valentine’s Day: Love by the Pound

Love is in the air, boys and girls. It’s time for passion, romance, and uncomfortable public displays of affection. Yep, Valentine’s Day is approaching, and if this is news to you, you’re probably alone. … Not that it’s a bad thing. I mean, I’m single too… for the first time in years, actually. I’m not…

Fashion Trends that Must Return

People love to mock old fashion trends like leisure suits and shoulder pads, but honestly, is today’s world any better? Now we’ve got crocs, man cleavage, rappers with diamonds on their teeth, hipster pants so tight they’re considered contraceptives, and everything in Nicki Minaj’s closet. I think we’ve been way too hard on the past….

Science Destroyed my Childhood

All across the globe, scientists are hard at work; discovering more and more about the world around us. They’re making miraculous breakthroughs in fields such as astronomy, genetics, and medicine. But unfortunately, as these developments continue, I can’t help but notice that science is slowly destroying my childhood memories. Below is a list of cases…

Pole Dancing for Babies

While browsing the Internet, I stumbled across a highly disturbing article about a Canadian company that offers pole dancing lessons to girls nine years of age and under. Blah. I blame Miley Cyrus. For those who don’t frequent strip clubs, pole dancing is what erotic dancers do in place of just going up on stage,…

Vampires can Bite Me

Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something is immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die. I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart; they’re basically human. That chick from Heroes…

Gay Power… Rangers

I used to always watch the Power Rangers. I don’t watch it anymore. Now they have like wands and capes, and it’s like the Power Rangers and the Chamber of Secrets or something. I don’t know. But as a kid, that show was mighty. I had the bed sheets. My friends used to go on…

Word to your Puppy

Rap music is dead. I used to love it, but the songs that come out these days sound like kittens dying of strangulation. The lyrics are blatantly uninspired, the vocals mimic malfunctioning robots, and the rhymes could be topped by five-year old children. But none of this trumps the bizarre background noises. To some rappers,…

The End is in Sight

I’m freaking out right now. I can barely breathe. With 2010 upon us, there is a major cause for concern. No, I’m not talking about Doomsday predictions, terrorist attacks, or even global warming. This is worse. So what is it, you ask? Death. Well, at least death to the companies that produce novelty New Year’s…

Tales from the Crib

I frequently stumble across news articles about how children are witnessing too much violence on TV. I’m not here to argue whether this is true or not, but I do think the authors of these articles are hypocrites. I mean, children have always been exposed to traumatizing amounts of violence. Why start caring now? Exhibit…

Automatic Coupon Dispensers

Please don’t bring your small children to the grocery store. I’m serious. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out. Keep them at home. Get a babysitter or a cage or something. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want…