Category: Personal Tales

Check Out My “Love” Handles

Love is in the air, boys and girls. It’s time for passion, romance, and uncomfortable public displays of affection. That’s right, Valentine’s Day is approaching, and if this is news to you, you’re probably alone. But hey, being single isn’t a bad thing. I mean, I’m single too… for the first time in years, actually. I’m not upset. It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. Besides, [...]

A Friendly Game of Peek-a-Boo

As a kid, I did some really weird shit… For starters, I had this thing with dolls. But instead of tea parties, I preferred to tie yarn around their necks, hang them over the staircase, and put on a “puppet show.” Needless to say, my mom thought I was spiraling down a path of lynching and murder. Then there were my Mortal Kombat moments. Picture this: the lights go out, everyone in the family is [...]

Closet Talk: Your Clothes Aren’t Gay

Oh, that’s gay. That’s sooo gay. That’s like, totes uber gay. Ugh. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that awful phrase… uber. Okay, obviously I’m joking. My real gripe is with the word “gay” – a word that represents me – being used to express dislike and hate. I hear so many things called gay: homework, exams, traffic… One time, I even heard a girl say, “My mom and dad are [...]

Loo and Behold: Potty Productivity

I was in the middle of watching “Yo Gabba Gabba” – totally normal for an adult, right? – when suddenly, nature called. Furious, I stomped off to the bathroom, begrudgingly abandoning my dancing puppet pals and lamenting the next 15 minutes I’d never get back. Bathroom breaks are the worst. Why can’t our bodies be more efficient? Birds can poop in two seconds, and it even helps them fly! Human bodies are backwards; birds have [...]
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