Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building

Elvis Presley was one of the most popular singers of the 20th century. With his commanding voice and charismatic stage presence, he rose from humble circumstances to launch a rock and roll revolution. Strangely, despite his success, he’s best known for his mysterious death. An event so unexpected, some people deny it even happened; claiming,…

A Friendly Game of Peek-a-Boo

When I was a kid, I did some really weird shit… I liked to tie yarn around dolls’ necks, lynch them over our staircase, and leave them hanging for my mom to discover. Sometimes I would turn off all the lights, scream “Mortal Kombat,” and whack my family with an inflatable bat. One time I…

Your Clothes aren’t Gay

Well that’s gay. That’s soooo gay. That’s like totes uber gay. Bleh. You have no idea how many times I hear that awful phrase… uber. … Okay, obviously I’m joking. My real gripe is with the word gay – a word that represents me – being used to express dislike and hate. I hear so…

I’m a Sleep Moaner

Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate, and several of his friends, hovering over my bed. Each of them had huge, suspicious grins on their faces. Naturally, I thought they had sharpied a dingdong on my face. It turns out, they were actually laughing at the strange noises I…

It’s Time to Get a Watch

About a year ago, my boyfriend bought me this really neat Spider-Man watch. It was clearly designed for a 10-year-old, but even so, I absolutely loved it. I wore it all the time. Unfortunately, one day it ended up with my dirty laundry, and, well, let’s just say Spidey met his match with Dr. Spin…

Gay Power… Rangers

I used to always watch the Power Rangers. I don’t watch it anymore. Now they have like wands and capes, and it’s like the Power Rangers and the Chamber of Secrets or something. I don’t know. But as a kid, that show was mighty. I had the bed sheets. My friends used to go on…

Chased by the Police

Like most college students, a little alcohol makes me lose my shit. I’ve found myself hitting on strangers, admitting secrets, and even trying to ride a hamster (okay, so maybe that last one isn’t so common). To be honest, most of my favorite memories are the result of being completely plastered. This past weekend, however,…

With Doors Wide Open

The world is full of disasters. We’ve got economic turmoil, fuel shortages, poverty, homelessness, and even Adam Lambert. Every time I see a commercial on TV about a poor, struggling child in desperate need of food, I feel obligated to do something; like change the channel. I’m kidding. Unfortunately, there’s not much my broke, lazy…

Whine about the Swine

I’ve always wanted to attend a pig catching competition. It’d be fun to watch idiots chase oily, muddy piglets around a pen for money. After watching a few YouTube clips, I’ve learned that catching swine is nearly impossible. But with that being said, why the hell is it so easy to catch Swine Flu? The…

I Pronounce You Hand and Wife

I sang at a wedding the other day. They even paid me. I know, I know; it’s great that I’m finally becoming a celebrity and all, but I’m worried I wasn’t good enough. I might have made a mistake and inadvertently ruined their marriage before it even started. Some day, the two of them will…