Bada Bop Ba Ba… I’m Lovin’ Shit

In the mood for a classy date, my boyfriend and I headed to McDonalds. I know, I know. Nothing says romance like screaming kids, greasy food, and a perverted clown who’s lovin’ it. But trust me, we were having a great time. Love was in the air — A love so strong that it almost…

Automatic Coupon Dispensers

Please don’t bring your small children to the grocery store. I’m serious. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out. Keep them at home. Get a babysitter or a cage or something. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want…

Crappy Birthday!

I might have Herpes. Okay not really. I don’t have Herpes. At least, I don’t think I do. I only said it because I wanted to get your attention. And boy, did I ever! You were all like, “OMG WTF AM I READING” and I felt judged, and it was great. Anyway, I do have something similar to…

I Feel So Alienated

In my experience, first dates are awkward. When I barely know the other person, it’s a struggle to keep the conversation going. Inevitably, I give up and there’s a long pause where no one is talking. I hate that silence. It sends mixed signals, makes everyone uncomfortable, and provides no background noise to mask my burps and farts. For…

Oh Snow You Didn’t!

Outside of work, you will never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting materials make me twerk by mistake. It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty. Pants make it even bigger. I simply don’t look right wearing pants. I don’t care if…

Was that a Sneeze? Bitch, Please!

I’ve come to the conclusion that everybody in the world hates me… Or everybody in the world is deaf… Or both. Yup, that’s it. That’s the only possible explanation. The planet is full of hearing-impaired jackasses that don’t care about me. It’s a Deaf Jam Justin Slam. Why, you ask? Well, for as long as I can…