Science Destroyed my Childhood

All across the globe, scientists are hard at work; discovering more and more about the world around us. They’re making miraculous breakthroughs in fields such as astronomy, genetics, and medicine. But unfortunately, as these developments continue, I can’t help but notice that science is slowly destroying my childhood memories. Below is a list of cases…

I Can’t Help my Phone-y Habits

The cellphone has been saving the world from awkward situations since 1973. Imagine you’re heading back to your dorm after one of those crazy get-drunk-and-make-bad-choices parties you see in a typical rom-com. As you drink and dash, you see a creepy guy from the party named Ted that you made out with. He doesn’t look…

Word to your Puppy

Rap music is dead. I used to love it, but the songs that come out these days sound like kittens dying of strangulation. The lyrics are blatantly uninspired, the vocals mimic malfunctioning robots, and the rhymes could be topped by five-year old children. But none of this trumps the bizarre background noises. To some rappers,…

So Stupid it’s Smart

When I was a kid, a self-proclaimed health guru visited my school to teach about nutrition. During his presentation, he remarked, “You are what you eat.” I was mortified. As soon as I got home, I darted under my bed, sobbed like a three-year old girl and cried, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!”…

Enjoy Your Gifts or Die Trying

Christmas movies make me laugh. They’re so cliche. Usually there’s a scene where a bunch of children flock down the stairs to see all their presents beneath the tree. Orchestrated with sappy music, the camera pans by the kids as they rip open box after box; revealing board games, Bratz dolls, and the occasional Mr….

The Truth in Advertising

The marketing industry has its fair share of bullshit. From “Do-Nothing” infomercials to self-proclaimed “Gurus,” businesses are always plotting to beat you up and take your lunch money. It’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. If people are begging for your cash, they clearly don’t know how to get rich fast. Oh, and…

Hey Herb, How’s it Hanging?

I talk to myself a lot. For the longest time, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. My friends pointed it out to me, and now that I’m self-aware, I’m totally disturbed. I talk to myself when I’m walking down the street, when I’m working at my desk, and even when I’m shopping. Hell, I host a one-man talk…

This Story is Explosive

Let’s do a thought experiment. Imagine it’s a beautiful Saturday morning. You just woke up and hopped out of bed. You’re a little groggy, but since you got to sleep in, you’re generally feeling fantastic. You slide on your Hello Kitty slippers, swallow your pride, and exit the bedroom. You make your way to the kitchen for breakfast;…

Oh Snow You Didn’t!

Outside of work, you will never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting materials make me twerk by mistake. It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty. Pants make it even bigger. I simply don’t look right wearing pants. I don’t care if…