The Olympics Needs More Boobs

With the 2012 London Olympics underway, I can’t help but feel the spirit. Unlike other television broadcasts, the Olympics has me so pumped that I’m actively participating. In the past few days, I’ve found myself yelling at the TV screen, attempting to recreate the gymnastics routines (I almost broke a lamp), Googling all the countries…

Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building

Elvis Presley was one of the most popular singers of the 20th century. With his commanding voice and charismatic stage presence, he rose from humble circumstances to launch a rock and roll revolution. Strangely, despite his success, he’s best known for his mysterious death. An event so unexpected, some people deny it even happened; claiming,…

A Friendly Game of Peek-a-Boo

When I was a kid, I did some really weird shit… I liked to tie yarn around dolls’ necks, lynch them over our staircase, and leave them hanging for my mom to discover. Sometimes I would turn off all the lights, scream “Mortal Kombat,” and whack my family with an inflatable bat. One time I…

Multitasking on the Toilet

I was in the middle of watching “Yo Gabba Gabba”… which isn’t creepy at all… when suddenly I had an urge to go potty. I became furious. Not only must I now abandon my dancing puppet friends, but I was officially going to lose the next 15 minutes of my life. Bathroom breaks are so…

I’m a Sleep Moaner

Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate, and several of his friends, hovering over my bed. Each of them had huge, suspicious grins on their faces. Naturally, I thought they had sharpied a dingdong on my face. It turns out, they were actually laughing at the strange noises I…

3 Bizarre New Years Traditions

I’ve concluded that every New Years tradition originates from a lunatic. No joke. People do really bizarre shit when they celebrate. Here in America, we drink, make out, blow things up in the sky, and generate obnoxious noises with pots and pans. Perhaps worst of all, we watch a ball drop (which sounds like we’re…

A Man Walks into a Bar

Walking is overrated. There, I said it. When it comes to traveling from point A to point B, I’d rather be catapulted on fire. Walking makes my legs sore and lethargic. I hate it so much that when it comes time for a stroll, I have to do it super early in the morning before…

Chased by the Police

Like most college students, a little alcohol makes me lose my shit. I’ve found myself hitting on strangers, admitting secrets, and even trying to ride a hamster (okay, so maybe that last one isn’t so common). To be honest, most of my favorite memories are the result of being completely plastered. This past weekend, however,…

So Stupid it’s Smart

When I was a kid, a self-proclaimed health guru visited my school to teach about nutrition. During his presentation, he remarked, “You are what you eat.” I was mortified. As soon as I got home, I darted under my bed, sobbed like a three-year old girl and cried, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!”…

In Short

What’s with our passion for abbreviations? And why is “abbreviations” such a long word? In my opinion, it’s rude to not spell out entire words. The only time I use chatspeak is when someone isn’t worth my time. For example, if I were going to write a breakup letter, it might look like this… Sup…