My Hurricane is a Boy!

Why do Hurricanes have names? I can understand giving names to planets, household pets, and maybe even male genitalia, but it makes no sense to give names to tropical storms. Isn’t it a tad odd to be on a first-name basis with an evil whirlwind of doom? Hell, they don’t give names to tornadoes, snowstorms,…

A Rant of Biblical Proportions

I’m not the most religious person in the world, but I know the basics. I know that I should love my neighbors, and I know that I should love my enemies (strangely, these are the same people). That’s about it. My mother always pressured me to dig deeper into Christianity. She promised it’d scare the…

Bada Bop Ba Ba… I’m Lovin’ Shit

In the mood for a classy date, my boyfriend and I headed to McDonalds. I know, I know. Nothing says romance like screaming kids, greasy food, and a perverted clown who’s lovin’ it. But trust me, we were having a great time. Love was in the air — A love so strong that it almost…

Hey Herb, How’s it Hanging?

I talk to myself a lot. For the longest time, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. My friends pointed it out to me, and now that I’m self-aware, I’m totally disturbed. I talk to myself when I’m walking down the street, when I’m working at my desk, and even when I’m shopping. Hell, I host a one-man talk…

Crappy Birthday!

I might have Herpes. Okay not really. I don’t have Herpes. At least, I don’t think I do. I only said it because I wanted to get your attention. And boy, did I ever! You were all like, “OMG WTF AM I READING” and I felt judged, and it was great. Anyway, I do have something similar to…

I Feel So Alienated

In my experience, first dates are awkward. When I barely know the other person, it’s a struggle to keep the conversation going. Inevitably, I give up and there’s a long pause where no one is talking. I hate that silence. It sends mixed signals, makes everyone uncomfortable, and provides no background noise to mask my burps and farts. For…

The Early Bird Gets the Worm

They say that the early bird gets the worm.  I don’t know who they are, but in my opinion, they should mind their own damn business. Did the birds start this rumor? If so, I hope they get the bird flu. It’s a stupid idiom, and I absolutely despise it. Simply put, I disagree with the core message….

CHAINSAW: The Newest Weight Loss Revolution

Millions of people around the world are disappointed by their bodies. Desperate to drop a few pounds, they do more harm than good with extreme fad diets and ridiculous surgeries. These people care so much about how their bodies look on the outside, that they’re perfectly willing to destroy them on the inside. If you’re one of these people, then I’ve got the product…

Start Every Day with a Smile

My mother used to say I should start every day with a smile. Well, I’ve been thinking about it, and that’s a pretty tough task. When I wake up, my mouth is usually in a frowning position. And no, it’s not because I’m sad. It’s just my face. When I sleep, I have a literal “resting bitch face.”…

Candlelight Dinners are for Ugly People

You eat steak at a steak dinner. You eat turkey at a turkey dinner. What the hell do you eat at a candlelight dinner? I’m sorry, but I’ve recently developed a hatred for candlelight dinners. They’re stupid, and, consequently, they’re now on my list of “things that make you go derp” – along with dancing Santas,…