3 Bizarre New Years Traditions

I’ve concluded that every New Years tradition originates from a lunatic. No joke. People do really bizarre shit when they celebrate. Here in America, we drink, make out, blow things up in the sky, and generate obnoxious noises with pots and pans. Perhaps worst of all, we watch a ball drop (which sounds like we’re…

It’s Time to Get a Watch

About a year ago, my boyfriend bought me this really neat Spider-Man watch. It was clearly designed for a 10-year-old, but even so, I absolutely loved it. I wore it all the time. Unfortunately, one day it ended up with my dirty laundry, and, well, let’s just say Spidey met his match with Dr. Spin…

Pole Dancing for Babies

While browsing the Internet, I stumbled across a highly disturbing article about a Canadian company that offers pole dancing lessons to girls nine years of age and under. Blah. I blame Miley Cyrus. For those who don’t frequent strip clubs, pole dancing is what erotic dancers do in place of just going up on stage,…

Vampires can Bite Me

Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something is immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die. I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart; they’re basically human. That chick from Heroes…

Gay Power… Rangers

I used to always watch the Power Rangers. I don’t watch it anymore. Now they have like wands and capes, and it’s like the Power Rangers and the Chamber of Secrets or something. I don’t know. But as a kid, that show was mighty. I had the bed sheets. My friends used to go on…

A Man Walks into a Bar

Walking is overrated. There, I said it. When it comes to traveling from point A to point B, I’d rather be catapulted on fire. Walking makes my legs sore and lethargic. I hate it so much that when it comes time for a stroll, I have to do it super early in the morning before…

Chased by the Police

Like most college students, a little alcohol makes me lose my shit. I’ve found myself hitting on strangers, admitting secrets, and even trying to ride a hamster (okay, so maybe that last one isn’t so common). To be honest, most of my favorite memories are the result of being completely plastered. This past weekend, however,…

Word to your Puppy

Rap music is dead. I used to love it, but the songs that come out these days sound like kittens dying of strangulation. The lyrics are blatantly uninspired, the vocals mimic malfunctioning robots, and the rhymes could be topped by five-year old children. But none of this trumps the bizarre background noises. To some rappers,…

The End is in Sight

I’m freaking out right now. I can barely breathe. With 2010 upon us, there is a major cause for concern. No, I’m not talking about Doomsday predictions, terrorist attacks, or even global warming. This is worse. So what is it, you ask? Death. Well, at least death to the companies that produce novelty New Year’s…

Tales from the Crib

I frequently stumble across news articles about how children are witnessing too much violence on TV. I’m not here to argue whether this is true or not, but I do think the authors of these articles are hypocrites. I mean, children have always been exposed to traumatizing amounts of violence. Why start caring now? Exhibit…