With Doors Wide Open

The world is full of disasters. We’ve got economic turmoil, fuel shortages, poverty, homelessness, and even Adam Lambert. Every time I see a commercial on TV about a poor, struggling child in desperate need of food, I feel obligated to do something; like change the channel. I’m kidding. Unfortunately, there’s not much my broke, lazy…

So Stupid it’s Smart

When I was a kid, a self-proclaimed health guru visited my school to teach about nutrition. During his presentation, he remarked, “You are what you eat.” I was mortified. As soon as I got home, I darted under my bed, sobbed like a three-year old girl and cried, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!”…

Whine about the Swine

I’ve always wanted to attend a pig catching competition. It’d be fun to watch idiots chase oily, muddy piglets around a pen for money. After watching a few YouTube clips, I’ve learned that catching swine is nearly impossible. But with that being said, why the hell is it so easy to catch Swine Flu? The…

I Pronounce You Hand and Wife

I sang at a wedding the other day. They even paid me. I know, I know; it’s great that I’m finally becoming a celebrity and all, but I’m worried I wasn’t good enough. I might have made a mistake and inadvertently ruined their marriage before it even started. Some day, the two of them will…

Enjoy Your Gifts or Die Trying

Christmas movies make me laugh. They’re so cliche. Usually there’s a scene where a bunch of children flock down the stairs to see all their presents beneath the tree. Orchestrated with sappy music, the camera pans by the kids as they rip open box after box; revealing board games, Bratz dolls, and the occasional Mr….

In Short

What’s with our passion for abbreviations? And why is “abbreviations” such a long word? In my opinion, it’s rude to not spell out entire words. The only time I use chatspeak is when someone isn’t worth my time. For example, if I were going to write a breakup letter, it might look like this… Sup…

My Hurricane is a Boy!

Why do Hurricanes have names? I can understand giving names to planets, household pets, and maybe even male genitalia, but it makes no sense to give names to tropical storms. Isn’t it a tad odd to be on a first-name basis with an evil whirlwind of doom? Hell, they don’t give names to tornadoes, snowstorms,…

A Rant of Biblical Proportions

I’m not the most religious person in the world, but I know the basics. I know that I should love my neighbors, and I know that I should love my enemies (strangely, these are the same people). That’s about it. My mother always pressured me to dig deeper into Christianity. She promised it’d scare the…

The Truth in Advertising

The marketing industry has its fair share of bullshit. From “Do-Nothing” infomercials to self-proclaimed “Gurus,” businesses are always plotting to beat you up and take your lunch money. It’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. If people are begging for your cash, they clearly don’t know how to get rich fast. Oh, and…

Bada Bop Ba Ba… I’m Lovin’ Shit

In the mood for a classy date, my boyfriend and I headed to McDonalds. I know, I know. Nothing says romance like screaming kids, greasy food, and a perverted clown who’s lovin’ it. But trust me, we were having a great time. Love was in the air — A love so strong that it almost…