The world is rife with disasters. We’ve got economic turmoil, fuel shortages, poverty, homelessness, and even Adam Lambert. Every time I see a commercial on TV about a poor, struggling child in desperate need of food, I feel obligated to do something—like change the channel. Just kidding. Unfortunately, there’s not much my broke, lazy butt can do. However, after some research, I was able to come up with one easy solution that promises to make [...]

When I was in grade school, a self-proclaimed health guru swung by my classroom to teach me about nutrition. His golden nugget of wisdom? “You are what you eat.” Cue my horror. I sprinted home, darted under the bed, and wailed like a three-year old girl, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!” Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles. Although he lied, the lecturer’s words continued to shape my eating habits. I always thought [...]

I’ve always dreamed of attending a pig-catching competition. Imagine the hilarity of watching idiots struggle to chase oily, muddy piglets around a pen for cash prizes. Sign me up! After an unproductive day of binge-watching clips, it’s clear that catching pigs is nearly impossible. So, that being said, why the hell is it so easy to catch Swine Flu? Fear of the H1N1 virus is spreading like wildfire across the United States, and according to [...]

I rocked the mic at a wedding recently, and guess what? They even paid me! Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s super cool that I’m on my way to stardom and all, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that maybe I wasn’t up to snuff. Singing at a wedding is a huge responsibility. I mean, what if I hit a sour note and tanked their marriage before it had a proper chance to start? Picture [...]