Category: Personal Tales

Pour Decisions: From Cocktails to Cuffs

Like most college students, a little alcohol makes me lose my shit. I’ve found myself hitting on strangers, admitting secrets, and even trying to ride a hamster (okay, so maybe that last one isn’t so common). To be honest, some of my fondest memories are the result of being utterly plastered. This past weekend, however, I stumbled onto a new type of drunken escapades: I was chased by the police. It all started around four [...]

You’re So Stupid, You’re Smart

When I was in grade school, a self-proclaimed health guru swung by my classroom to teach me about nutrition. His golden nugget of wisdom? “You are what you eat.” Cue my horror. I sprinted home, darted under the bed, and wailed like a three-year old girl, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!” Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles. Although he lied, the lecturer’s words continued to shape my eating habits. I always thought [...]

What a Load of Hogwash

I’ve always dreamed of attending a pig-catching competition. Imagine the hilarity of watching idiots struggle to chase oily, muddy piglets around a pen for cash prizes. Sign me up! After an unproductive day of binge-watching clips, it’s clear that catching pigs is nearly impossible. So, that being said, why the hell is it so easy to catch Swine Flu? Fear of the H1N1 virus is spreading like wildfire across the United States, and according to [...]

I Pronounce You Hand and Wife

I rocked the mic at a wedding recently, and guess what? They even paid me! Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s super cool that I’m on my way to stardom and all, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that maybe I wasn’t up to snuff. Singing at a wedding is a huge responsibility. I mean, what if I hit a sour note and tanked their marriage before it had a proper chance to start? Picture [...]
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