Millions of people around the world are bummed out by their bodies. Desperate to drop a few pounds, they end up doing more harm than good with fad diets and pricey surgeries. They care so much about how they look on the outside that they’re perfectly willing to wreak havoc on their insides. If you’re one of these folks, then boy, do I have the product for you! Ever dream of rocking that new bathing [...]

My mother always said I should start every day with a smile. Well, I’ve been mulling it over, and honestly, that’s a pretty tough task. When I wake up, my mouth is naturally in a frown. And no, it’s not because I’m sad. That’s just my default setting. When I sleep, I have literal resting bitch face. Frown aside, my mouth faces additional challenges. Sometimes it’s dry and chapped. Sometimes it’s wet and drooly. Sometimes [...]

I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone in the world hates me, or everyone in the world is deaf. Or both. Yeah, it’s definitely both. The world is full of hearing-impaired jackasses who don’t care about me. It’s a Deaf Jam Justin Slam. Why, you ask? Well, for as long as I can remember, no one has ever acknowledged my sneezes. I never get a “bless you.” I don’t get “gesundheit.” Hell, no one even asks if [...]