Check Out My “Love” Handles

Love is in the air, boys and girls. It’s time for passion, romance, and uncomfortable public displays of affection. That’s right, Valentine’s Day is approaching, and if this is news to you, you’re probably alone.

But hey, being single isn’t a bad thing. I mean, I’m single too… for the first time in years, actually. I’m not upset. It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

Besides, my prince charming will come eventually. He just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is way too stubborn to ask for directions.

Remember back in grade school when Valentine’s Day meant passing out those cheesy cards to everyone in class? Ah, those were the days. Although it did get a tad awkward when you had to come up with something nice to say to a kid you barely knew. You know, something like, “nice pants.”

Actually, grade school made us spoiled. Nowadays, everyone is entitled to a valentine. And when you can’t find one, you get desperate. I have a friend who purchased a Valentine’s Day gift for his mother. It’s like, “Dude, don’t you know she’s banging your dad?”

And that’s only the beginning. Valentine’s Day is so creepy. Need I remind you that we celebrate by sending pictures of an internal organ?

And then there’s Cupid – an invisible flying baby who shoots two unsuspecting people with a crossbow, forces them to fornicate, and watches the entire thing from outside a window. Sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Maybe I’m just a Valentine’s Day grinch, but it feels like this holiday is all about exploiting people for money. We’re bombarded with ads for expensive jewelry, chocolates, candles, teddy bears, bubble baths, giftcards, pregnancy tests…

Why all the candy? What’s so sexy about weight gain? It’s like the big corporations are conspiring to make us look hideous so we break up and spend a fortune wooing more people next year.

Seriously, we gorge ourselves on candy made of literal chalk, all while being bombarded with lovey-dovey food puns: You’re so sweet, You’re the icing on my cake, We’re mint for each other, I’m not playing twix, I love you to pizzas…

But let’s get real here. True romance isn’t about fancy gifts or cheesy cards. It’s about spending quality time together, laughing, and just being there for one another. And hey, why limit that to just one day a year?

This year, my valentine is my bed. We’ll spend the day cuddling and sleeping together. I’ll also find some time for my Ex… Box 360.

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19 Comments
Emily
Apr 02 1:27 am

hahaha im in a loving relationship with by bff you guys are all losers


Kate
Jun 01 7:52 am

This is a great article! I believe that one day my true love will find me, but until then I'll love my bed….


Vivian
Apr 18 7:44 pm

Haha i love this artical it's so true


Sinadee
Mar 04 10:08 pm

I spent this valentines eating brownies I made (I make a promise to bake for valentines annually) and deciding whether or not I should try to make amends with someone with the brownie…I decided they would probably just want the brownie so I ate it. The rest were given to my close friends.


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