Check Out My “Love” Handles

Love is in the air, boys and girls. It’s time for passion, romance, and uncomfortable public displays of affection. That’s right, Valentine’s Day is approaching, and if this is news to you, you’re probably alone.

But hey, being single isn’t a bad thing. I mean, I’m single too… for the first time in years, actually. I’m not upset. It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

Besides, my prince charming will come eventually. He just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is way too stubborn to ask for directions.

Remember back in grade school when Valentine’s Day meant passing out those cheesy cards to everyone in class? Ah, those were the days. Although it did get a tad awkward when you had to come up with something nice to say to a kid you barely knew. You know, something like, “nice pants.”

Actually, grade school made us spoiled. Nowadays, everyone is entitled to a valentine. And when you can’t find one, you get desperate. I have a friend who purchased a Valentine’s Day gift for his mother. It’s like, “Dude, don’t you know she’s banging your dad?”

And that’s only the beginning. Valentine’s Day isΒ so creepy. Need I remind you that we celebrate by sending pictures of an internal organ?

And then there’s Cupid – an invisible flying baby who shoots two unsuspecting people with a crossbow, forces them to fornicate, and watches the entire thing from outside a window. Sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Maybe I’m just a Valentine’s Day grinch, but it feels like this holiday is all about exploiting people for money. We’re bombarded with ads for expensive jewelry, chocolates, candles, teddy bears, bubble baths, giftcards, pregnancy tests…

Why all the candy? What’s so sexy about weight gain? It’s like the big corporations are conspiring to make us look hideous so we break up and spend a fortune wooing more people next year.

Seriously, we gorge ourselves on candy made of literal chalk, all while being bombarded with lovey-dovey food puns: You’re so sweet, You’re the icing on my cake, We’re mint for each other, I’m not playing twix, I love you to pizzas…

But let’s get real here. True romance isn’t about fancy gifts or cheesy cards. It’s about spending quality time together, laughing, and just being there for one another. And hey, why limit that to just one day a year?

This year, my valentine is my bed. We’ll spend the day cuddling and sleeping together. I’ll also find some time for my Ex… Box 360.

Leave Comment

Jan 02 6:25 am

That's so funny, never thought of it that way.

In Japan it's so commercialized that there's a separate holiday for guys and gals. So girls give chocolate on Valentine's Day. Guys are just over here praying they don't get too much because they're expected to give twice as much as they received on March 14, which is called White Day. Needless to say no one knows that my birthday is on Valentine's Day!

Jul 02 4:34 am

So true…

Jun 16 3:47 am


So I know this is a super old post, and I'm hoping you come back and blog soon. As usual, I'm sitting here laughing my ass off! I'm hoping you enjoyed valentines day with your Ex Box and bed πŸ™‚

How have you been?

May 29 9:24 am

Hi. I have nominated you for the Leibster Blog Award. Do check out my blog for more information. Hope that you have the time to do it. πŸ™‚

May 14 10:14 pm

Lets Have Sex

May 09 9:07 pm

This post is fantastic! and your exactly right. we should show each other love always, not just one day a year. i wish i had have found this on valentines day, my single housemate would have loved it,, as I beleive she spent the day doing the same thing!

Mar 19 10:33 pm

Loved this post. Man, I miss your quirky insights on things. Makes me wish I had it. Do more updates you fledging adult! Lol.

Rachel H
Mar 07 11:30 pm

This was cute, and hilarious as usual!! Loved the cupid quote, you know.
And "nice pants" would have been a step up from some of my valentines in grade school haha
Stop beating up snowball!
Oh the pregnancy tests cracked me up.
Love ya!

Feb 23 10:01 am

I don't celebrate valentines day, you should show your love to your partner every day, not a single day. πŸ˜‰

Feb 15 1:36 pm

AH. You're single? But the boyfriend. Awh. Okay.

I was told, "Happy Valentine's Day" for the first time by a guy who's neither my ex (oh wait…) nor just a friend. Actually, after a few years have passed, I think we've both matured into some kind of adults… So maybe another chance is worth it. I don't know. 😑 So perhaps he's my Prince Charming, and he's finally here to stay. I do wish you luck with yours!

I was really excited when I saw a comment from you, as I was so sure that you weren't going to be blogging again for yet /another/ year, yet I still kept you on my blogroll list because 1) I love you, and 2) I'd hoped!

And now that I have read more of this post, I'm quite happy that your humor and the Justin I know and knew has/is shining through again, because I was actually really scared that you were really going to make this into a sappy post.

The grade school thing is true, however, because although no one was left out, it's taught us to expect things throughout our lifetime, when all those years it could have prepared us for nothing. I guess, though, that it's something that also prepares us for it when we actually do have a Valentine, otherwise no one would really celebrate it.

…and I love the Sweethearts, you know. ~

Feb 15 10:06 am

I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day, but I am a fan of chocolate. We never gave out Valentine's cards in primary school, probably incase it ended up like a Ralph Wiggum situation and half the kids would be crying because no-one gave them a card…

and Cupid is creepy as. Cupid and cherubs. Creepy as.

Feb 12 11:33 pm

LOL….been thinking about the chalk candy stuff. The weight gain thing is so true too. I always use Valentine's Day as an excuse to eat LOTS of chocolate. I still think it's okay to give a Valentine's gift to your mother, since I am your mother….haha. This blog is funny πŸ™‚

Feb 11 2:52 pm

Valentines day is so overrated. My boyfriend and I don't normally buy presents as we see it as a waste of money. We're students and we can't afford it. Instead we are having a romantic meal in Burger King on Friday. We know how to live. πŸ˜›

Feb 11 2:16 am

Heh, candy like chalk! So true, but I love it all the same. I'm not a Valentines Day supporter though, like you said, I'd prefer show my love and affection for people everyday not just one specific day that is basically in existence to make money.
I hope you have fun with your exbox 360 πŸ˜€

Feb 10 8:32 pm

Hahahaha!! I loved it πŸ™‚ P.S. You should have said something about Jon Cotner….lol

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