Fashion Trends that Must Return

Let’s face it: fashion trends come and go, but some leave a more lasting impression. Sure, we love to poke fun at the leisure suits and shoulder pads of yesteryear, but take a look around today – are we really any better off? We’ve got crocs, man cleavage, rappers bedazzling their teeth, hipster pants so tight they’re practically contraceptives, and everything in Nicki Minaj’s closet.

I think we’ve been way too hard on the past. Let’s take a moment to appreciate some old fashion trends that weren’t all that bad after all.

1. Hammer Pants

Before you ask, no, they have nothing to do with actual hammers, although wouldn’t it be convenient to dance on someone and claim you “nailed” them? Inspired by harem pants, these ultra-baggy trousers burst onto the scene in the 1980s and ’90s, thanks to none other than rapper MC Hammer. The pants are peg-legged with a colossal billowing crotch that droops below the knees (kind of like my uncle).

Historians speculate that the extra space in these pants served as prime storage for all your ’80s and ’90s essentials: Rubik’s cubes, Game Boys, Nintendo cartridges, Koosh balls, Cabbage Patch Kids, VHS cassettes, and of course, Cyndi Lauper. These pants must make a comeback. With their loose and forgiving fit, they’re the ultimate antidote to body image issues and eating disorders. But most importantly, if you’re ever wearing hammer pants and somebody pushes you out of a plane, you’ll probably land safely.

2. 80’s Windbreaker Jackets

The ’80s are back in style, folks! Take a stroll through the mall, and you’re bound to see plastic sunglasses, neon colors, and hair so big it puts Robin Williams’ arms to shame. But there’s one iconic ’80s trend that’s still missing: the loud, obnoxious windbreaker jacket. Now, some may disagree, but personally, I’m all for anything vibrantβ€”I’ve even contemplated sporting a bright orange traffic cone on my head.

Windbreakers are attention-grabbers, blending bold colors with eye-catching patterns that remind me of graffiti, sans the headache-inducing paint fumes. Ultimately, you can’t go wrong with a jacket whose name is synonymous with farting.

3. Powdered Wigs

Powdered wigs were an integral part of fashion during the 18th century, and their story begins like many others – with syphilis. By 1580, Europe was grappling with what was arguably its worst epidemic ever (besides the Black Death and the codpiece). With symptoms including hair loss, the afflicted populace needed a solution. As baldness swept the nation, citizens derived the only logical solution: harness Robin Williams’ arms. And when that failed, the victims wore wigs.

Initially, these wigs were like the Renaissance version of an ugly Christmas sweater. But when the King of France “did the nasty” and caught the STD himself, well, suddenly, the wigs became a symbol of wisdom. Fast forward to today, and the powdered wig is a relic of the past… coincidentally, so is wisdom. It’s high time we bring these wigs back. Not only are they wigs undeniably cool, but let’s be real, we’d all look like fancy kittens.

4. Fanny Packs

The term “fannypack” has always puzzled me. I mean, why call it a fannypack when it’s worn in the front? Last I checked, “fanny” referred to the posterior. You certainly can’t windbreak out of a fannypack! Maybe we should rename them to something more fitting, like vag bags, junk trunks, or sack sacks…

But despite the confusing name, fannypacks are pretty awesome. They offer a hands-free storage solution for anyone on the go. And think about it, wearing a fannypack may lower your chances of getting robbed. After all, who’s going to steal your iPhone if they have to reach around your private parts? Best of all, wearing a fannypack might make people mistake you for Batman… (now all you need is a nipple suit).

Oh, and if you really want to turn heads, why not wear everything at once? Take notes, Lady Gaga.

Leave Comment

Sep 01 9:59 pm


I don't know if it counts, but they brought back a lot of 80s inspired training jackets: super bright colours, lots of neon pastel. I may or may not own one in bright fucking pink.

Fannypack- dunno about you lot, but in British/Brit-colonised slang, 'fanny' is a colloquialism for the vulva.

Sep 01 6:38 pm

Hello! I got the content alignment thing figured out. Thank you very much though. I appreciate it. c: Pink is my favorite color. So I try to have it in everything, rotfl. xD

Sep 01 4:11 pm

I did not see that picture at the end coming.

The celebrity I imagine wearing that, however, is not Lady Gaga. I'd like to see Justin Bieber wear that for kicks. After all, purple is his favorite color!

Sep 01 12:59 am

Whoever is in your company will definitely live a life full of laughter.

I love the picture at the end! I so agree about hammer pants, only it wouldn't be advisable to put food inside it. Those powdered wigs would trap flies easily and rid the world of them.

Very clever indeed!

Gina Valley
Aug 31 11:44 pm

Lol! Nice post!

Aug 31 6:37 pm

I lol'ed at that picture. That's amazing. πŸ˜‰

I really wouldn't mind if 80's fashion made a complete comeback. I wasn't alive back then so I would love to see people casually "pull of" big hair, neon leg warmers, bangles, etc. But do you realize fannypacks are still around? I've seen so many people wear them at Disney World.

Rachel H
Aug 31 7:21 am

I personally, would love to wear a vag bag. Just sayin'

This cracked me up Justin!! Although, I think you may have a secret love for Robin William's arms. It's okay πŸ™‚ Anyway you are always so funny and I love you!! And way to go bringing it all together there at the end. That picture is extremely disturbing!! haha Love ya!

Aug 31 7:12 am

Oh yeah….I forgot to mention, that I still wear fanny packs at amusement parks.

Aug 31 7:09 am

You are SO funny!!!! Wow….I never realized that Robin Williams had such hairy arms. I love the hammer pants most of all….lol. My dates wore those…!!!! I didn't know that STD's were the cause of powdered wigs, but it makes a lot of sense. You notice that women didn't wear powdered wigs? I guess they just wore scarves on their heads. Oh well. I loved this blog!!!! You have made my day!!!!!

Aug 30 8:34 pm

LMAO at Robin Williams! I had no idea he had such hairy arms, haha. I also didn't know that they wore those wigs because of hair loss from syphilis πŸ˜› You learn something knew everyday!

Aug 30 7:47 pm

Okay. The hammer pants are okay…ish. Only because they seem so stylish. :3

FANNY PACKS ARE NOT OKAY. Never ever. Every time I go to Chinatown (which is rare because I hate it… because it's so dirty there), there's all these Asian mothers wearing black leather fanny packs. NO. πŸ™

My boyfriend has a brown windbreaker. It's quite stylish. :3 I wore it once… it was surprisingly comfortable & didn't make that crinkly sound a lot.

About the powdered wigs… they use them in China or whatever lol. I think. Only in court though. Every time I watch a Chinese drama & there's a trial, those judgy people are wearing those ugly wigs. :S

Aug 30 2:29 pm

I think I could pull it off. Wearing everything at the same time.

Those leggings definitely seem like something that I want as part of my wardrobe! And who can argue with the convenience of the fanny pack.

I love wearing vibrant colors as well. Now only if I could have a background as vibrant as the one Robin Williams has, everywhere I decide to go.

Aug 30 2:28 pm

Well, fanny may mean butt in the US but in the UK fannypack works fine with how they're currently worn πŸ˜‰ Now I think about it we actually call them "bum bags" which makes as little sense as fanny pack does to you. If it was possible to find a fanny pack that didn't look like it was actually made in the 80s I'd totally use it – they're so much more convenient than carrying a handbag. I think a business creating fanny packs using modern materials and colour schemes would kill.

Ugh, just the thought of a powered wig has made my head all itchy.

Aug 30 1:43 pm

I love idea of fannypacks, they've never gone out for me. Well infact they've never gone in πŸ˜›

Fannypacks aren't really a thing in England, maybe becuase fanny doesn't mean butt here, fanny means women's front, well you know.

πŸ˜‰ LOL

Michael πŸ™‚

Aug 30 1:31 pm

Genius, my friend, genius.
I clearly remember being about six and wearing both a fanny pack and a purple/yellow/red windbreaker along with my fanny pack and hair barrettes. That was in '99 now so I don't really have an excuse other than apparently the area in which I lived was painfully out-of-date.

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