Fashion Trends that Must Return

Let’s face it: fashion trends come and go, but some leave a more lasting impression. Sure, we love to poke fun at the leisure suits and shoulder pads of yesteryear, but take a look around today – are we really any better off? We’ve got crocs, man cleavage, rappers bedazzling their teeth, hipster pants so tight they’re practically contraceptives, and everything in Nicki Minaj’s closet.

I think we’ve been way too hard on the past. Let’s take a moment to appreciate some old fashion trends that weren’t all that bad after all.

1. Hammer Pants

Before you ask, no, they have nothing to do with actual hammers, although wouldn’t it be convenient to dance on someone and claim you “nailed” them? Inspired by harem pants, these ultra-baggy trousers burst onto the scene in the 1980s and ’90s, thanks to none other than rapper MC Hammer. The pants are peg-legged with a colossal billowing crotch that droops below the knees (kind of like my uncle).

Historians speculate that the extra space in these pants served as prime storage for all your ’80s and ’90s essentials: Rubik’s cubes, Game Boys, Nintendo cartridges, Koosh balls, Cabbage Patch Kids, VHS cassettes, and of course, Cyndi Lauper. These pants must make a comeback. With their loose and forgiving fit, they’re the ultimate antidote to body image issues and eating disorders. But most importantly, if you’re ever wearing hammer pants and somebody pushes you out of a plane, you’ll probably land safely.

2. 80’s Windbreaker Jackets

The ’80s are back in style, folks! Take a stroll through the mall, and you’re bound to see plastic sunglasses, neon colors, and hair so big it puts Robin Williams’ arms to shame. But there’s one iconic ’80s trend that’s still missing: the loud, obnoxious windbreaker jacket. Now, some may disagree, but personally, I’m all for anything vibrantβ€”I’ve even contemplated sporting a bright orange traffic cone on my head.

Windbreakers are attention-grabbers, blending bold colors with eye-catching patterns that remind me of graffiti, sans the headache-inducing paint fumes. Ultimately, you can’t go wrong with a jacket whose name is synonymous with farting.

3. Powdered Wigs

Powdered wigs were an integral part of fashion during the 18th century, and their story begins like many others – with syphilis. By 1580, Europe was grappling with what was arguably its worst epidemic ever (besides the Black Death and the codpiece). With symptoms including hair loss, the afflicted populace needed a solution. As baldness swept the nation, citizens derived the only logical solution: harness Robin Williams’ arms. And when that failed, the victims wore wigs.

Initially, these wigs were like the Renaissance version of an ugly Christmas sweater. But when the King of France “did the nasty” and caught the STD himself, well, suddenly, the wigs became a symbol of wisdom. Fast forward to today, and the powdered wig is a relic of the past… coincidentally, so is wisdom. It’s high time we bring these wigs back. Not only are they wigs undeniably cool, but let’s be real, we’d all look like fancy kittens.

4. Fanny Packs

The term “fannypack” has always puzzled me. I mean, why call it a fannypack when it’s worn in the front? Last I checked, “fanny” referred to the posterior. You certainly can’t windbreak out of a fannypack! Maybe we should rename them to something more fitting, like vag bags, junk trunks, or sack sacks…

But despite the confusing name, fannypacks are pretty awesome. They offer a hands-free storage solution for anyone on the go. And think about it, wearing a fannypack may lower your chances of getting robbed. After all, who’s going to steal your iPhone if they have to reach around your private parts? Best of all, wearing a fannypack might make people mistake you for Batman… (now all you need is a nipple suit).

Oh, and if you really want to turn heads, why not wear everything at once? Take notes, Lady Gaga.

Leave Comment

Sep 06 10:25 am

(fugly) hammer pants were very popular here in Israel in early 2000's.
Wind breaker jackets were and probably still arepopular in Russia…

I thought fanny meant pussy in British English O.o

Sep 05 10:35 pm

Oh, and you're never on AIM anymore! I'm on all the time! I just made a new screen name though… so yeah. :c

Sep 04 10:16 pm

lol, I like that you combined everything in the end. I agree that fashion now isn't much better than before, especially with crocs and hipster jeans. (I'm not even sure how they get those on.) I kind of miss how colorful windbreaker jackets are, but I think I remember them being… loud? They make a lot of noise because of the material! I used to use fanny packs when I was a kid, and I remember how handy they were. You make a good point about not being robbed too πŸ˜‰ I'm not sure I agree with hammer pants and powdered wigs though, haha.

Sep 04 5:31 pm

I actually laughed while reading your blog! I like how your voice can be heard through it, and the fashion trends are interesting. Although, I'm not a big fan of the older trends mentioned here, I don't disagree with your comments on how today's dress attire isn't any better. Crocs, man cleavage…? Haha. Thanks for your sweet message by the way – I've decided to ignore the drama, block the people creating it, and continue to keep my site going.

Sep 04 12:59 pm

I don't have a favorite zoo animal… I haven't seen enough of the zoo to have one! But when I do go, I'll let you know. πŸ™‚

Please do a Youtube video of one of your acts. PWETTY PWEASE. I would love to see that haha. And dress up too!

Yuck, I just painted my nails… so no more biting. For now. :3

Sep 02 6:21 pm

OMG your posts always make me laugh! I love the repeating reference to Robin William's arms…. glad I'm not the only one who thinks they're hairy!!! I completely agree about today's fashion trends being ridiculous… I hate shopping for clothes because all I see are ugly!! πŸ™

Sep 02 2:20 pm

With today's fashion trends being criticized and fashion trends from the past being brought up again, is this going to happen again in 70 years to come? :o! Those hammer pants looks like it would be a hassle if you need to climb over a fence for whatever reason. The 80's windbreaker jackets are still a trend, especially in marching bands where it dominates in the color guard section. Most definitely, I agree that fanny packs must come back as a trend! Not only it works well as a storage solution, it's great as a belt too if you're in a dire need of one.

I'm not cool enough to major in Computer Science like you :P. I'm just a lame wannabe nerd who prefers utilizing tools you computer science majors creat than creating it myself c:

If I were to own a yellow Camaro, that thing better be Bumblebee! XD!

Take care πŸ™‚

Sep 02 12:43 pm

Heck no. I still get creativity points!

*Le gasp* Are you a mind reader now!? How did you figure that out? D: I thought I was being sly & clever.

I don't even know if our zoo has ostriches. o.o I'll let you know when I go & I'll take a picture just for you. :3
What did you do when you worked for one? Did you get to feed the fluffy animals!? :oooo

Sep 02 12:29 pm

Oh no, oh no, my poor eyes, all of those things are hideous! Except for the powdered wig. The lady wigs of the 16th century were just AWESOME in their extravagance.

Something I seriously want back is grunge fashion. Because it was so relaxed! In the early 90s all you had to do as a chick was roll out of bed still wearing yesterdays smudged make-up, your hair uncombed, put on a pair of Docs and walk out of your home still wearing the babydoll nightgown you slept in. As a guy you did the same only instead of a babydoll nightgown you wore boxers and some old T-shirt. HOW AWESOME!

Erin Nicole
Sep 02 10:47 am

Lol I love how robyn williams looks in that picture. XD

& I love windbreakers, not because of the colors but because they keep you warm. Lol Simple but sophisticated.

& Fanny packs are perfect for disney world or any other amusement park. I put my phone in there when we are going to disney. (we go there a lot) I don't see that ever changing. Though disney is getting boring, I still love riding tons of the rides and it is great exercise. πŸ˜€
Thanks so much. That really means a lot! <3 I didn't make it but I did code it from looking like to the .net version. Not sure which one I like better. Lol

I'm actually thinking about it but the prices are so much higher and I want to go to UNF which is in Jacksonville. Not sure if I will get into any other college. It would be awesome though. I might even be able to work for since they are located there.
How much would you have for rent if I did decide to move there?

Yeah, I hate it. Everyone is gone for school and they aren't coming back until Summer of '13 so I have nothing to do but watch Netflix and website stuff until then.

I don't see why they are like that, it's not like you'd touch them. They gross you out! hahaha. I'd totally move into a dorm with you or wherever else. Lol. Doesn't bother me.

& I totally agree. Free living is AWESOME. XD

Sep 02 9:58 am

I sometimes see people with fannypacks. I think a man had one on under his shirt last month at my store. It was kind of hilarious. I remember one year my aunt gave me one for Christmas. I was like, what am I going to do with this? I was so disappointed. I'm pretty sure I threw it out without ever using it.

Sep 02 7:35 am

I honestly hope these fashion trends return, just because it will be so funny. Although in the UK it's quite normal to see people wearing 80's windbreaker jackets, just because they are stuck in a time warp!

I never realised Robin Williams had such hairy arms. I thought my boyfriend had hairy arms but that's just crazy!!

Haha I never thought about swimming with dolphins as being a dangerous thing until the talk we were given before we entered the water. I want to swim with sharks next which is much more dangerous!!

I'd have to dress up if I went to Comic-Con. I don't want to feel left out. I think I'd dress up as Harley Quinn because I'm a big fan of her. πŸ™‚

Sep 02 6:24 am

Haha, the MC Hammer pants are for the win! Why don't you just start the trend? πŸ˜‰ I bet people will follow you!

I do really love your last picture! XD

Sep 01 11:27 pm

As I read up on each of the trends, I kept thinking, "That'd be great if someone compiled all of these and threw it on Robin Williams." And then, you delivered. Fantastic. Although, I must say, he looks like a rejected extra from The Golden Girls..

Sep 01 10:40 pm

Oh my gosh. Combining those is something that I will never be able to un-see.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet.