Oh Snow You Didn’t, Girlfriend!

Outside of work, you’ll never catch me wearing pants. I loathe the way they look. I loathe the way they feel. I loathe the way the snug fit causes accidental twerking. It’s no secret that I’ve got a big ol’ man booty, and pants only emphasize it. It doesn’t matter if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants—when my butt has drapes, it takes on new shapes. But no, I don’t go outside with my butt [...]

Shred Pounds with CHAINSAW

Millions of people around the world are bummed out by their bodies. Desperate to drop a few pounds, they end up doing more harm than good with fad diets and pricey surgeries. They care so much about how they look on the outside that they’re perfectly willing to wreak havoc on their insides. If you’re one of these folks, then boy, do I have the product for you! Ever dream of rocking that new bathing [...]

Start Every Day with a Smile

My mother always said I should start every day with a smile. Well, I’ve been mulling it over, and honestly, that’s a pretty tough task. When I wake up, my mouth is naturally in a frown. And no, it’s not because I’m sad. That’s just my default setting. When I sleep, I have literal resting bitch face. Frown aside, my mouth faces additional challenges. Sometimes it’s dry and chapped. Sometimes it’s wet and drooly. Sometimes [...]

Airlines Need to “Lighten” Up

I’m not the biggest fan of airplanes. For starters, I’m afraid of heights. I scream at the slightest hint of turbulence. I also find the cheap chairs cramped and uncomfortable. Above all else, I don’t enjoy sitting next to complete strangers who, with my luck, are frequently gassy. If someone told me I could never board a plane again, I’d happily oblige. Goodbye and good riddance! I’m perfectly content with trains, boats, or even pimped-out [...]
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