I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone in the world hates me, or everyone in the world is deaf. Or both. Yeah, it’s definitely both. The world is full of hearing-impaired jackasses who don’t care about me. It’s a Deaf Jam Justin Slam. Why, you ask? Well, for as long as I can remember, no one has ever acknowledged my sneezes. I never get a “bless you.” I don’t get “gesundheit.” Hell, no one even asks if [...]

New Year’s Eve is the time for new beginnings. It’s the time to start fresh and forget about your mistakes. It’s the time to get your shit together. To do this, you make resolutions. Some of you plan to visit church and pray for renewed relationships with God. Others vow to make positive changes in your personal lives, like losing weight or conquering bad habits. And some of you promise to quit drinking… with a [...]

You eat steak at a steak dinner. You eat turkey at a turkey dinner. So what the heck do you eat at a candlelight dinner? If you haven’t noticed, I have deep disdain for candlelight dinners. They’re stupid, and consequently, now they’re on my list of “things that make you go derp,” alongside Dancing Santas, fannypacks, and anything that spews out of Donald Trump’s face-hole. Don’t get me wrong. I’m normally all about romance. In [...]