Let’s embark on a little thought experiment, shall we? Imagine it’s a serene Saturday morning. You rise from your bed, still a little groggy, but since you got to sleep in, you’re generally feeling refreshed and fantastic. You slip on your trusty Hello Kitty slippers, swallow your pride, and exit the bedroom. You make your way to the kitchen for breakfast, humming an annoyingly catchy tune. Grabbing a box of cereal, you sing to yourself, [...]

I might have Herpes. Okay, not really. I don’t have Herpes. At least, I don’t think I do. I only said that to get your attention. And boy, did I ever! You were all like “OMG WHAT THE HELL AM I READING?” I felt judged, and it was fantastic. Anyway, I do have something similar to Herpes. Like Herpes, what I have is unwelcome and typically goes unnoticed. I usually forget about it until it pops [...]

In my experience, first dates are a recipe for awkwardness. When I barely know the other person, it’s a struggle to keep the conversation flowing. Inevitably, I run out of things to say, leading to long, uncomfortable silences. I hate that silence. It sends mixed signals, makes everyone uncomfortable, and, most importantly, doesn’t provide any background noise to mask my farts. To avoid these awkward moments, I come armed with a list of questions. A [...]

They say the early bird gets the worm. I don’t know who they are, but in my humble opinion, they should mind their own business. I mean, who started this stupid rumor? Was it the birds? Is this some sort of avian conspiracy? If so, I hope they all catch a case of the bird flu. I call BS on this whole “early bird” theory. It implies that people who wake up early, or accomplish [...]