Pour Decisions: From Cocktails to Cuffs

Like most college students, a little alcohol makes me lose my shit. I’ve found myself hitting on strangers, admitting secrets, and even trying to ride a hamster (okay, so maybe that last one isn’t so common).

To be honest, some of my fondest memories are the result of being utterly plastered. This past weekend, however, I stumbled onto a new type of drunken escapades: I was chased by the police.

It all started around four in the morning, fueled by the fruity buzz of raspberry-flavored Mike’s Hard Lemonades (don’t knock ’em till you’ve tried ’em). Nearly passing out on a lawn chair with a gnome up my butt, I figured it was high time to call it a night.

Now, the journey back to my dorm is usually a leisurely stroll, so I figured I’d walk. Unfortunately, the walk ended up being more of a stumble. I was tripping over my own feet like a newborn giraffe in stilettos.

As fate would have it, I found myself crossing a busy street just as the unmistakable wail of police sirens filled the air. I didn’t think much of it. In fact, I didn’t think at all; to avoid confrontation, I jumped into a bush.

Next thing I remember is a deep, intense scream that pierced through the sirens; making me nearly soil myself. To my surprise, the cop had jumped out of his car and started sprinting towards me.

In fear, I screamed back at him. But then, in a moment of liquid courage, I tried a daring escape, only to be met by a second patrol car blocking the opposite path. Feeling the excitement, I pretended I was in a Die Hard movie and attempted drunken somersaults.

Needless to say, the officers were not amused, one even brandishing a firearm and ordering me to get down on my knees. Still completely shit-faced, I giggled at his dirty remark. Before I knew it, I was handcuffed and surrounded by a curious audience of passing motorists, each casting pitying glances my way.

Completely dumbfounded; I turned back to the cops and said, “Ohio has some strict underage drinking laws, eh?” Oops. Cover blown.

And then, yet another wild officer appeared (I swear, at this point, I had enough policemen for my own personal SWAT team). This guy assured me that if I cooperated, he’d let me go. Okay, cool. But I still didn’t know why I was handcuffed.

The cop was cute (in a 35-year-old-hot-dad-with-a-long-nightstick kind of way). He looked like his name was Damon, so that’s what I kept calling him. Damon politely requested permission for a strip search, which I couldn’t help but find both endearing and slightly kinky.

He rummaged through my pockets (yes, daddy), discovering nothing more than a Lady Gaga keychain and some old crayons from Applebee’s (this is, perhaps, more embarrassing than my choice of alcohol). Damon pulled out his walkie-talkie and exclaimed with a laugh, “There’s no way this guy is the threat.”

And just like that, the cuffs were off. The whole ordeal was over in a blur (and not only because I blacked out).

In the sober light of day, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. Sure, there was no apology for the mishap – not even from my future husband Damon – but hey, at least my underage antics went undetected, thanks in part to my fruity raspberry breath. I suppose being drunk prevented me from doing something stupid and getting killed (wow, somebody put that in a PSA).

I couldn’t resist telling my mother about my drunken shenanigans, and needless to say, she was not amused. She wasted no time demanding answers from the authorities.

According to the police chief, I was apprehended due to a case of mistaken identity, simply fitting the description of a suspicious character on the loose with a knife. And by “fitting the description,” I was “a Caucasian male with khaki pants.” Except I wasn’t wearing khaki pants. Or holding a knife. But, okay. Whatever.

The officer also told my mother I looked suspicious because I jumped into a bush. Well, damn. I guess there’s no appreciation for nature lovers anymore.

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May 11 1:42 pm


May 11 10:37 am

omg I cant believe this happened!

May 11 9:45 am

Lol…..you left out the moment when your boyfriend freaked out thinking you got arrested for doing something bad. haha. I love you! PS: Your ass could never look saggy. 😀

May 11 9:11 am

Omg I know what its like to be arrested its the worst. The only difference here is that I actually commited the crime for which I was arrested for 😀 . Interesting story though,, I'm sorry that happened to you because quite frankly handcuffs hurt your wrists. In brooklyn, NY they will lock teens up for the smallest things like even jumping the turnstile of the train sadly. I really enjoyed reading this blog I even laughed a little, shh I couldn't help it. Well I feel a bit Inspired to write about stuff like this In one of my very own blogs, hey I might even give your blog a mention one day..

May 11 6:14 am

thanks!!! lol! i'll get a preview up now! it's only gonna be up until 10:30!

May 11 2:22 am

LMAO such a giggly family! XD What an experience. I've never been drunk! Anyway, yeah I guess policemen do not really apologize when they get the wrong person. O_O

I wonder if Damon was a Lady Gaga fan..

May 10 10:55 pm

Oh good heavens, what an experience! It's a good thing you were so hammered, actually – can you imagine how much scarier it would have been without the booze to loosen you up? *gulp*

Nice work flirting with the cop though, haha. Strip search, eh? Kinky… 😛 I can't believe though it was the Lady Gaga keychain and crayons that made them hold their fire, so to speak – do you think the cops would let me off the hook similarly if I showed them my Mr Potato Head keychain and scented biros? XD

Btw, I noticed your mum's comment here – that's so sweet! 🙂

May 10 10:49 pm

Bahaha, and this is why I don't drink (although I did always imagine myself being a happy drunk). But dude, they could've at least interrogated you first before attacking you, especially if they weren't sure you were the right guy!

May 10 8:08 pm

OMG! This sounds worse than when you actually told me about it. At least you are able to laugh about it now. That makes me feel better. However, I am not at the laughter stage yet. For what it's worth, the sergeant did offer an apology from the police department, when I called. Plus I was hysterical (it must run in the family). This is a very good blog, in a post-traumatic syndrome sort of way. I forgot to ask you, did they give you back your crayons and Lady GaGa keychain? I'm glad you weren't wearing khakis. Love, Mom

May 10 6:45 pm

WOW! I can’t believe that happened to you. Someone owes you an apology…

May 10 6:11 pm

Thank you for the hug dear.

hookah? Confused. Remember young here.

I also look older; people ask me all the time where do I work, and where did I go to college.

When I hold my baby bro they ask how old he is and say I made a beautiful baby, I'm like…. umm. thanks.

May 10 5:55 pm

Drinking is really bad.

You forget how young I am does that mean I act older?

Thank you for respecting it.

I grew up watching my family drink and get arrested. I didn't want any part of it, so I refuse it, same thing with smoking, and drugs

May 10 5:42 pm

I hate the spelling, too!

The lesson is not to DRINK! IT IS BAD

May 10 5:12 pm

Wow, longness much?

Of course I used your text generator! It is flipping sweet!

Aww, Suga don't cry. no need for tears.

Mallory is awesome!


Here I was innocently creating my blog when my dog started chasing her tail. So I grab the restrainer, leash, and hook it. I open the back door take a deep breath, walk out into a grassy area. My puppy peed then out of no where, when I was in space my dog started pulling on the line. I was like now what. I look down, sitting right by the fence a possum. We moved, it froze. It was so cute!

Good! I am proud of you for getting arrested, maybe you will learn.

Darn! I really thought you would have learned something. Never mind! naughty boy. He should have slapped you around a few times, but nope you would have loved that, you should have
http://www.frogview.com/uploadimages3/48ea4cac300bd3.62577383frogview-gallery.jpg that person slap you around

May 10 5:11 pm

Okay. I have multiple things to say about all this. First off, holy shit, I LOVES me some Mike's Hard fruity drinks. Secondly, LMFAO @ you flirting with the cop!!! And the Applebee's crayons? …I love you so much. <3 xD

Oh my gosh. This entire post… SO funny. Good goin' for having such a good sense of humor about all this. They really did owe you an apology. 😛

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