Pour Decisions: From Cocktails to Cuffs

Like most college students, a little alcohol makes me lose my shit. I’ve found myself hitting on strangers, admitting secrets, and even trying to ride a hamster (okay, so maybe that last one isn’t so common).

To be honest, some of my fondest memories are the result of being utterly plastered. This past weekend, however, I stumbled onto a new type of drunken escapades: I was chased by the police.

It all started around four in the morning, fueled by the fruity buzz of raspberry-flavored Mike’s Hard Lemonades (don’t knock ’em till you’ve tried ’em). Nearly passing out on a lawn chair with a gnome up my butt, I figured it was high time to call it a night.

Now, the journey back to my dorm is usually a leisurely stroll, so I figured I’d walk. Unfortunately, the walk ended up being more of a stumble. I was tripping over my own feet like a newborn giraffe in stilettos.

As fate would have it, I found myself crossing a busy street just as the unmistakable wail of police sirens filled the air. I didn’t think much of it. In fact, I didn’t think at all; to avoid confrontation, I jumped into a bush.

Next thing I remember is a deep, intense scream that pierced through the sirens; making me nearly soil myself. To my surprise, the cop had jumped out of his car and started sprinting towards me.

In fear, I screamed back at him. But then, in a moment of liquid courage, I tried a daring escape, only to be met by a second patrol car blocking the opposite path. Feeling the excitement, I pretended I was in a Die Hard movie and attempted drunken somersaults.

Needless to say, the officers were not amused, one even brandishing a firearm and ordering me to get down on my knees. Still completely shit-faced, I giggled at his dirty remark. Before I knew it, I was handcuffed and surrounded by a curious audience of passing motorists, each casting pitying glances my way.

Completely dumbfounded; I turned back to the cops and said, “Ohio has some strict underage drinking laws, eh?” Oops. Cover blown.

And then, yet another wild officer appeared (I swear, at this point, I had enough policemen for my own personal SWAT team). This guy assured me that if I cooperated, he’d let me go. Okay, cool. But I still didn’t know why I was handcuffed.

The cop was cute (in a 35-year-old-hot-dad-with-a-long-nightstick kind of way). He looked like his name was Damon, so that’s what I kept calling him. Damon politely requested permission for a strip search, which I couldn’t help but find both endearing and slightly kinky.

He rummaged through my pockets (yes, daddy), discovering nothing more than a Lady Gaga keychain and some old crayons from Applebee’s (this is, perhaps, more embarrassing than my choice of alcohol). Damon pulled out his walkie-talkie and exclaimed with a laugh, “There’s no way this guy is the threat.”

And just like that, the cuffs were off. The whole ordeal was over in a blur (and not only because I blacked out).

In the sober light of day, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. Sure, there was no apology for the mishap – not even from my future husband Damon – but hey, at least my underage antics went undetected, thanks in part to my fruity raspberry breath. I suppose being drunk prevented me from doing something stupid and getting killed (wow, somebody put that in a PSA).

I couldn’t resist telling my mother about my drunken shenanigans, and needless to say, she was not amused. She wasted no time demanding answers from the authorities.

According to the police chief, I was apprehended due to a case of mistaken identity, simply fitting the description of a suspicious character on the loose with a knife. And by “fitting the description,” I was “a Caucasian male with khaki pants.” Except I wasn’t wearing khaki pants. Or holding a knife. But, okay. Whatever.

The officer also told my mother I looked suspicious because I jumped into a bush. Well, damn. I guess there’s no appreciation for nature lovers anymore.

Leave Comment

May 14 4:08 pm

HAHAH ! That was honestly funny.

But for how they just kind of tackled you is pretty mucked up. Stupid policemen (this is not a stab at the police). But it's pretty dumb on how they just go after some random dude in the street and just suspect shit because they are a certain colour. So racist O_O

May 14 2:37 pm


May 14 1:23 pm

(Comment Reply): Eh, it's just a matter of interest in the sport of falconry(like me!). Either that, or I've gotten accustomed to living with a two year old brother. :/ Hawks are amazing, they're my favorite animals! <3

I joined that racist group just to see how many else joined. Yeah, quite a lot of racism that occurs in Facebook. 😛

May 14 11:42 am

Dude! that's just the biggest fail on the police side ever! I have a pretty funny story but it'll take me time to type it here. but you'd probably pee ya pants with laughter lol! 😛

May 14 11:38 am

Jesus said that Justin would give Jhase some pie, so I think that Justin should give Jhase some pie and make it good!

May 14 11:38 am

Oh gosh this made me crack up laughing. You should of threatened to sue for 'racial profiling'. And you now know, to always take crayons from restaurant, just in case this happens. Because, you know, this happens everyday.

May 14 11:35 am

Pahah! Wow, police are hilarious sometimes. At least you didn't get shot, or arrested like they would do in films regardless to if your innocent or not.

May 14 11:34 am

I GLOMP YOU WITH PIE! Oh and my gay club experience was fantastic. I saw a drag show, it was the best experience I've ever had.

May 13 11:41 pm

Wow. I can't believe you remembered that considering how shitfaced you were hahaha. Thats a feat all on its own! I usually need camera evidence to make me believe anything I've done while on the piss haha.

May 13 7:25 pm

Oh wow, you and the police are such good friends! I mean that whole scenario, I could see it in my head and I laughed. I laughed hard, you should have more drunken encounters and hope that night-stick-daddy-looking Damon comes back for strip searching.

In all seriousness, they stopped you because you are a white guy and was "supposedly" wearing khaki pants? Personally, i just think they saw you and wanted to feel you up a little. Those bastards!

In any consolation, I'm glad that you're okay and didn't get into any serious trouble. Next time, don't drink and walk without a friend.

Hm, that should be a PSA!

Friends don't let friends drink and walk along.

I like it! Welcome back, by the way. I've missed these posts.

May 13 7:19 pm

Haha, of all the things you can get yourself into. Judging by your description of what the police did, they must have been pretty stressed out when they stopped you. I wouldn't either expect them to apologize much because they don't really want to go soft on people so that people start getting the idea that they can get away with things.

But seriously, you got drunk with hard lemonade? Must have been some really hard stuff, or you loved the stuff. 😛

May 13 7:18 pm

Coolest blog that I've read so far. I never tried to drink alcohol. Awesome experience. Though the cops are creepy. lol.

"I guess the whole moral of this story is that if you don't want to be arrested, remember to always jaywalk in front of police."

May 13 4:28 pm

Alright! This is attempt two in replying to your comment… I’ll make sure it actually posts this time.


Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t mind being with someone one day, but at this point, it isn’t my first priority. LOL. I love gay people; they make me happy. XD I haven’t decided yet (seeing as how how it’s decades away anyways), but I’ll most likely adopt outside of the country. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with Americans (*cough*), but I feel as if I’ll do greater good adopting elsewhere. Ya know? Why thank you, I like your layout too. 8D The dog is suppa cute.


Haha it wasn’t your fault. 😛 Cutenews never lets me post my comment – ever. I think it has something to do with the hypen in my URL. :S Which, seems stupid when you think about it.

I haven’t gotten in any trouble with the substitutes (for the most part, I keep quiet). Though, I do shout angry thoughts in my head.

LOL. That’s funny. I dunno, drama club/class scared me. The people in there took the whole thing seriously… they would reenact stuff in the halls and in the middle of class. I mean, it’s cool and everything, but it irked me.

I’m the unlucky ones that have to sit next to underclassman that haven’t learned the rules, frankly.


Ah, I love Mike’s Hard Lemonade! It’s actually the only alcoholic beverage I’ll touch. 😛 Who cares if it’s fruity, I’d rather get drunk on taste rather then to just get drunk on crappy tasting beer. True story.

I can’t believe the officer actually pin pointed the gun at you… furthermore, if you were drunk, how the hell do you remember all of this shit?! LOL. Super sonic memory, or something.

Haha Damon must have been pretty darn attractive officer for you to say that. XD Another thing, why would you save Applebee’s crayons? They have the cheapest crayons ever. Just like Denny’s. I mean, if you’re going to have a kid color a picture while they wait, at least give them some decent crayons.

So if you would have gotten arrested, would you still be able to blog? XD

May 13 9:31 am

Thank you 🙂

I can't wait for it to be over. I'm going to miss all my friends though.

I'm not old enough to drink yet so I haven't experienced being drunk. It looks fun though!

Haha that sounds so funny! It sounds a bit scary at first but as you didn't do anything wrong its hilarious! Damn police. If they are anything like the police in the UK, they are useless!

May 13 7:52 am

What?! Most people "hesitate" when crossing the street. It's called "stopping & looking if there's any cars coming."

Still. That's one hell of a story to tell at parties!

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