Christmas movies make me laugh with all their clichés. There’s always a scene where children rush down the stairs to discover mountain of presents beneath the tree. Cue the sappy music as the camera pans over the kids tearing open boxes, revealing board games, Bratz dolls, and the occasional Mr. Potato Head. Parents look on adoringly, and the world is full of happiness. Gross.

I don’t know about you, but my childhood Christmases never looked that picture-perfect. In fact, they were quite the opposite. Instead of running to the tree, the first thing I’d do in the morning was head to the shed for a chainsaw.

You see, the thrill of getting a new toy was always ruined by that plastic clamshell packaging crap. You know, the impenetrable bubble stuff that’s always wrapped around electronics. Trying to pry that shit open often resulted in injury, sometimes even blood loss. Christmas Eve became a day to prepare for the coming war.

I’ve faced some pretty defiant packages in my day. I was forced to attack them with scissors, pliers, a butcher knife, a razor blade, my teeth, and even a newborn baby. Yes, a newborn baby, because, well, rumor has it kids can get into anything.

Trying to salvage my holiday spirit, I recently looked into solutions and found a device called the Package Shark. I was so excited until I realized it was also wrapped in clamshell packaging.

Don’t get me wrong; I understand it’s to prevent theft. But when it takes you two days to open your purchase, it kind of defeats the purpose. And boy, the worst part is when the clamshell is so tight around an item that there’s nowhere to poke without punching through the item itself.

A brand-new pair of headphones should not come with a sliced-up wire and 17 dents in the earpiece before you can use it.

According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, 6,000 Americans are sent to emergency rooms each year with injuries caused by trying to open their purchases. What the hell?!

Another idea: why don’t we use this stuff to make condoms?

In conclusion, I hate clamshell packaging. It’s pretty awkward when you go to return something, and it looks like it’s been attacked by a Rottweiler.