When I was in grade school, a self-proclaimed health guru swung by my classroom to teach me about nutrition. His golden nugget of wisdom? “You are what you eat.” Cue my horror. I sprinted home, darted under the bed, and wailed like a three-year old girl, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!”

Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles.

Although he lied, the lecturer’s words continued to shape my eating habits. I always thought twice before nibbling on candy. In fear of becoming an idiot, I avoided dum-dums at all costs. Instead, I ate plenty of smarties and chugged entire boxes of nerds.

Looking back, I think I ate more candy after the lecture on healthy eating.

But hey, isn’t it strange that all these candies correlate with levels of intelligence? I’m convinced the English language was designed to call people stupid.

Another example would be the terms “smartass” and “dumbass.”

I don’t get it. Since when does a butt have an IQ level? Is there a brain in my booty? Can my butt educate itself? Will it be bullied and picked on in school? Isn’t butt-picking a social faux pas? I should probably send my badonkadonk to college. Can it get a job at NASA? What about NASSA?

I’ve heard of people working their butts off, but can booties work themselves? Can they earn money? Can I bet my bottom’s actual dollar?

The lingo doesn’t stop there: A “wiseass” is a really smart smartass. A “stupidass” is a really dumb dumbass. A “stupiderass” is a stupidass too stupid to master English. A “cheapass” is often a smartass, but also a “lameass.” A “lazyass” is both a dumbass and a smartass because he never gets anything done, but also never has to do anything. This also makes him a “fatass.”

My apologies for all these “wisecracks.”

Per my weirdass analysis, “smartass” and “dumbass” are polar opposites, yet they’re both insults. How is that possible? Is it because they’re both extreme? Wouldn’t that make the desirable outcome an “averageass?”

Maybe it’s because the suffix “ass” has the power to ruin a word. But it can’t be that, because “smart” alone is a nice word, and “dumb” is still negative.

And wouldn’t that make “dumbass” a double negative? Though that’s not necessarily an issue, because a dumbass is more likely to use a double negative.

Maybe I’m over-thinking it. Perhaps I’m being too… cheeky. Forgive me for being such an “assass.”