Oh Snow You Didn’t, Girlfriend!
Outside of work, you’ll never catch me wearing pants. I loathe the way they look. I loathe the way they feel. I loathe the way the snug fit causes accidental twerking.
It’s no secret that I’ve got a big ol’ man booty, and pants only emphasize it. It doesn’t matter if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants—when my butt has drapes, it takes on new shapes.
But no, I don’t go outside with my butt exposed. That would be creepy. I’m not some sicko pedobear like Winnie the Pooh. I know I have to literally cover my ass, so instead of pants, I wear shorts. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!
For some magical reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People actively avoid looking at it. I don’t know why, but it works. Perhaps it has something to do with my offensively Hulk-ish legs.
There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day. Winter. When it gets chilly outside, I must choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.
For this reason, I despise winter. I want nothing to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No, Anna, I don’t want to build a damn snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ margaritas.
Seriously, why does it have to get so cold? Why can’t the weather just remain constant? Bah. Sometimes I wish global warming would hurry up.
Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. Recently, we had a snow day in May. Yes, May. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet when I looked outside my window, it seemed like Frosty the Snowman had exploded on the driveway.
I was in utter disbelief, so I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman explained the situation, suspicious questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools’ joke? Does the news channel air reruns? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot won’t stop shaking it?
Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.
I felt better once I realized I didn’t have to work. In fact, I even got a little excited. For some reason, I felt an urge to embrace the season. Completely out of character, I put on my winter coat and shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. It was time to try sledding.
Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before.
I was incredibly nervous. I placed my sled on the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. I counted down and began my sprint, but as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and completely missed the sled. I tumbled down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around, gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. Eventually, I lost momentum and yelled a loud roar as I belly-flopped into a puff of snow.
On the bright side, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.
107 Comments
Chelsea
How in the world do you find time to comment everyone back? 😛 I've been wondering that for a while.
But anyhow – yeah, snow days are rare but they suck. Only because the roads are icy and my mom doesn't let me drive whatsoever. How much snow did you guys get there?
PS i'm not a morning person either. ;]
Sarah
Haha, what are chucks? I'm looking at nikes.. maybe like these.. http://www.shoelowdown.com/images/ConverseTripleDeuceMensBasketballShoes_12968
/converse_mens_basketball_shoes_triple_deuce3
.jpg
But our uniform is blue, so I dunno 😛
love mario party! I always lost that game though 🙁 My brother always won, EVIL.
I had a hard test today too! A stupid science test on chemical reactions 🙁 argg. What was your test on?
-Sarah
Samantha
HAHAHAHA give you a fork and tell you to eat your way out? You have an very unique sense of humor 😛 The weather here has been slightly weird too, damn it! It needs to straighen itself up, seriously.
Viki
oh ewh damn calculus.
well we're doing physics in science now.
fml.
URG so hard he hasn't explained it and he's like do ti for homework.
ookay i lied
he's like only like 4 of you will be able to do it.
and you four will be the ones i spilt up and put into special groups, so that you can help your peers.
i mean I want to get it but I don't and I'm like forcing it my head, and Rachel is helping except she's so pro that it's like O:
and i have no common sense.
BAHHAM
oh physics D:
Jill
Haha I agree
Gillian
Haha yeah deff the most drama ive ever experienced.
And yeaup, i ended up single . Still am, and probs will be for awhileee.
Shell
Hahahahahahahahahaha. I fucking love your site, it's so hilarious. I LOVE you and your mates version of 'If I were a boy' mint as! You should be a sit-down comedian. 🙂
Chrys
OMG. YES, YOU'RE RIGHT!!! I'M AN IDIOT. Hahaha. PUBLIC displays of affection, not PERSONAL. Dude, I'm insane.
Ahh wells. At least you have your reasons 😀
HAHHAHA. Imagine if weather channels did run re-runs… "Hmm, the weather today looks pretty much the same as yesterday… Ahh screw it, just re-run!!" LOL.
I've never been sledding either 🙁 Doh.
HAHAHAHHAHAA. GERONIMO!!! Ahh wells. Sounds like you had… fun… You okay from the fall? Lol.
Viki
you'll -sniff- laugh at me?
haha no worries.
I'm pretty terrible at this stuff.
I pulled off a 78% in math last year, worst subject.
URG I NEED to do better this year 😀
even if it means hours of sitting home understanding.
I WILL get it 😀
Sarah
Haha, d'aww.. Lmao, I guess you could have a diving team.. but all you could do is like.. see how many rare fishes you can find 😛 And wouldn't THAT be fun, haha.
Yerr, basketball 🙂 I just got home from practice. My dad said that because I made the team he's gonna get me these super cool basketball shoes! 😀
Oh yeah! Am I supposed to remind you about linking me? 🙂
-Sarah
Rachel
Aw man, I'm sorry!!! I guess my magical pizza-emailing skills just aren't up to par
Ria
WOW sledding fail lol. Good job. My friend had a snow day too, in Maryland.
Kyra D.
Ugh, I hate the snow. Apparently this is the most snow we've had (here) since the 1950's…>.>
Since the four feet of snow we have doesn't show any sign of melting, we don't get any more snow days from school O_o
The less snow days they give us now, the less days they keep us before summer break…and so I'm not complaining 😉
Jill
RERWEE? It's been my dream too! Dreams do come true.
Rachel
haha, yes, the pizza was DELISH 😀 *sends you some*
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