Automatic Coupon Dispensers
Please refrain from bringing your young ones to the grocery store. Seriously. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out.
Keep them at home. Consider alternatives like a babysitter or a cage. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want to hear them fussing and screaming for a brand new Barbie doll. And most importantly, spare us the surprise of finding discarded diapers in the bathroom stalls.
There are no exceptions. If you think your son or daughter is a model of good behavior, you probably have the worst one.
When I was a kid, I was terrible in stores. I despised shopping. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play with my Power Rangers. As soon as we’d get to the store, I’d deliberately piss off my mother by running in and out of those self-opening doors. And once that grew tiresome, I’d start pushing grocery carts at the doors. It got violent. I almost killed a guy.
But amidst the chaos, one thing kept me calm. And no, it wasn’t duct tape or Ritalin. It was the allure of the automatic coupon dispenser.
Yes, the automatic coupon dispenser was the greatest toy ever invented. Kids raced to those things like June bugs to bug zappers. When I was a youngin’, I’d be mesmerized by those blinking red boxes of splendor and wonder. I’d rip out coupons and throw them in the air like confetti.
Unfortunately, as the years went by, the dispensers got smarter. They weren’t quite at Skynet level, but speaking from experience, they were definitely smarter than a fifth grader. With high-tech sensors and timers, they no longer dispensed multiple coupons at once.
I was devastated. I was defeated. I needed that extra coupon. I needed that extra twenty cents off of Rogaine. And no, I wasn’t a balding twelve year old. I was just addicted to the satisfaction of pulling that damn coupon.
At least I could always cherish my previous coupons. I had quite the collection. My favorite coupon was for a free “female enhancement” product. To this day, I have no idea what it was supposed to enhance. And frankly, I don’t want to know.
Perhaps my relationship with automatic coupon dispensers was a tad unsettling. Why was I so obsessed with them? Why did we share such a strong connection? Perhaps I was a coupon dispenser in a past life.
Yup, that explains everything. In my previous life, I was, indeed, an automatic coupon dispenser. I’d spend my days hiding in grocery store aisles. As families walked by, I’d flash them and shoot a surprise. Kids loved it. They’d get pleasure from having something to play with.
Yikes. On second thought, maybe I was a pedophile in my previous life. Maybe I was Michael Jackson.
Yup, that explains everything even better. I was definitely Michael Jackson. Now, I’m sure you’re doing the math, and you’re skeptical because we were both alive at the same time. Well, we actually weren’t. The real Michael Jackson died long before I was born. Record labels didn’t want to lose money, so they replaced him with a random white girl. Hence the appearance.
I should have given her my female enhancement coupons.
108 Comments
Iris
Well the thing was I used to be a grocery kid specifically the pushcart-type of kid. I always loved pulling groceries off the shelves and surrounding myself in tin cans, packs and cartons.
HAHA! Yeah you're so stalking me on Twitter, though I don't have an idea why you followed me in the first place. Btw, though I love the color red your blog is much darker for me. Mysterious-type eh? Anyway, thanks for commenting on my last post Justin!
Courtney
Well flying off is when there's so much force you let go even if you're holding on with everything you've got. Then you go underwater, and you hope you come back up..
Sarahc
I too enjoyed those coupon dispensers. To this day I still like to peek at the coupon and pull it out even if I don't need it, haha. Let the store employees come after me if they are so inclined. =) I'm sure I can plaster on my bitch face, lmao.
Did you drive around in your ice cream truck waiting for the kiddies and then kidnap girls and cut off their hands for your daughter so she could play piano? Wait.. that's a creepy movie and now I forget the name! Dammmmit.
EKa
I remember those! They brought such joy to my life! My grocery store doesn't ave them though… I would run up to them, pull five coupons out and give them to my momma. "Here, go save 25 cents on Healthy Choice!" And don't even get me STARTED on the deli order numbers!
Pft. Michael Jackson. I have a theory that he's "Biological" transformer. xP
Manda
I loved those things!!
Tasha
LOL your blog made me laugh, haha. I have no idea what these automatic coupon dispensers are… I don't think we have them in England. :p haha, thanks for giving me a smile!
Maryam
hey thanks! xD
lol, yeah! I LOVED THOSE. i loved it when the coupon would come out, and then you snatch it out, and then comes another LMAO.. 🙂
Justin R.
Yeah, I still like the pull the coupons out to date. 😛
Trevor
Hahaha, this is most likely one of my favorite posts ever typed on the internet. Hilarious. Great writer :]
Kibumie
I don't usually go to a grocery store with my mom, but when I do, I usually beg for coins to buy a toy from a vending machine or a chocolate. lol.. when I was a kid though.. 🙂
your post was fun to read~
Dragon Blogger
Your blog is witty, funny and I enjoyed reading your posts, but why do you highlight certain words without them being links? is this for some sort of SEO tactic, or is it just for effect?
Jay
AMEN!
i remember those beauties 🙂 i loved them to death. i started collecting them because i thought they were simply amazing.
the coupons were pretty stupid though. some of the products on there, i never knew existed, but heck, those dispensers were heaven.
Beckee
OMGSH! The coupon dispensers!! lol OF COURSE ! lol i used to love just standing there and pulling out coupons – for what idk. lol and what ARE female enhancements for? … hmm lol
Nicole
Haa.
That was quite a lot of music for one blog, I never noticed that until now.
White Lies was rather good, I did indeed enjoy it.
And twitter-wise I shall totally stalk you back.
And, also, I've never seen a coupon dispenser in my life. Never.
I couldn't even hazard a guess at what that would look like.
But by golly, they do sound rather fantastic.
Lauren
Haha, I wish I could get one, but – It's like.. you can hand them back when they poop.
Lmao.
I can't do baby poop or baby sick, so thank god I could hand 'em back when that happened o_o"
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