Automatic Coupon Dispensers
Please refrain from bringing your young ones to the grocery store. Seriously. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out.
Keep them at home. Consider alternatives like a babysitter or a cage. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want to hear them fussing and screaming for a brand new Barbie doll. And most importantly, spare us the surprise of finding discarded diapers in the bathroom stalls.
There are no exceptions. If you think your son or daughter is a model of good behavior, you probably have the worst one.
When I was a kid, I was terrible in stores. I despised shopping. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play with my Power Rangers. As soon as we’d get to the store, I’d deliberately piss off my mother by running in and out of those self-opening doors. And once that grew tiresome, I’d start pushing grocery carts at the doors. It got violent. I almost killed a guy.
But amidst the chaos, one thing kept me calm. And no, it wasn’t duct tape or Ritalin. It was the allure of the automatic coupon dispenser.
Yes, the automatic coupon dispenser was the greatest toy ever invented. Kids raced to those things like June bugs to bug zappers. When I was a youngin’, I’d be mesmerized by those blinking red boxes of splendor and wonder. I’d rip out coupons and throw them in the air like confetti.
Unfortunately, as the years went by, the dispensers got smarter. They weren’t quite at Skynet level, but speaking from experience, they were definitely smarter than a fifth grader. With high-tech sensors and timers, they no longer dispensed multiple coupons at once.
I was devastated. I was defeated. I needed that extra coupon. I needed that extra twenty cents off of Rogaine. And no, I wasn’t a balding twelve year old. I was just addicted to the satisfaction of pulling that damn coupon.
At least I could always cherish my previous coupons. I had quite the collection. My favorite coupon was for a free “female enhancement” product. To this day, I have no idea what it was supposed to enhance. And frankly, I don’t want to know.
Perhaps my relationship with automatic coupon dispensers was a tad unsettling. Why was I so obsessed with them? Why did we share such a strong connection? Perhaps I was a coupon dispenser in a past life.
Yup, that explains everything. In my previous life, I was, indeed, an automatic coupon dispenser. I’d spend my days hiding in grocery store aisles. As families walked by, I’d flash them and shoot a surprise. Kids loved it. They’d get pleasure from having something to play with.
Yikes. On second thought, maybe I was a pedophile in my previous life. Maybe I was Michael Jackson.
Yup, that explains everything even better. I was definitely Michael Jackson. Now, I’m sure you’re doing the math, and you’re skeptical because we were both alive at the same time. Well, we actually weren’t. The real Michael Jackson died long before I was born. Record labels didn’t want to lose money, so they replaced him with a random white girl. Hence the appearance.
I should have given her my female enhancement coupons.
108 Comments
Jill
Ah I totally remember those things, and I LOVED them too. Greatest things ever.
And thanks 😀
Georgina
My friends just liked playing with fire a lot… so toilet paper looked like the way to go XD
It was quite a big sorta kiosk though… hahaha, even a microwave and everything in there. *nods*
2000 words is about 3-4 pages. Depends how small the font is, haha. :3
Well, you know what's uber funny… my boyfriend's on a Dvorak keyboard and he goes "AOEUID". XD
Tiff K
Hey thanks for the drop! hahaa
Lolz I never had that experience. I guess I was such a boring kid inside the supermarket! lolz haha. Or we don't have that here.
haha lolz at your explanation of how MJ is now. Poor poor man. 🙁
tc!
Lee
Thank you!
I thought the same, but I ended up dancing to it and playing it on the speaker with the highest possible volume on my birthday. xD
Merete
Hi justin. how are you? omg, the videoes with your friend is really cool. keep up that work 😉 peace.
Swetlana
I like my boys nice, but still a lil bit bad. Not like the dumbass I described in my blog, but just a different kind of bad.. I don't know how to describe xD
Dontravious
I've never seen them where I live at so I wouldn't know XD.
I always got pulled from the computer or from a book or anything I was doing to go grocery shopping with my mom and WTF?! ARE FEMALE ENHANCERS
Heather
Oh my gosh. I used to be OBSESSED with those coupon dispensers!!! To this day, I cannot enter a grocery store without managing to get, like, twenty coupons. Haha. I've become a pro with the motion sensors. ;]
Marianne
I don't think I've seen a coupon dispenser where I live before, but it sure sounds fun. 😀
Lee
Haha! I want a Pink Power Ranger toy, funfunfun.
I've never touched nor seen a coupon dispenser, is it really that awesome? I'm jealous. 🙁
Georgina
Oh that's so not fair. I have never even heard of a coupon dispenser, seen one, touched one. T__T what have I been missing out on all this time… ? 8D
Rachel
Ahaha dude, I always loved those coupon dispenser things! I would always take them, and then get told by my mom to put them back in the little plastic thingy on top. But I had this one little tote bag at my house where I would keep old expired coupons that my grandma would give me 😛 I played store with them! Twas fun. -_-
Taversia
Oh man, I remember those days myself… I would do the EXACT SAME THING. x) I miss those things… Chances are, if I ever saw one in a grocery store, I'd probably have a relapse and tear it from its dispenser all dramatic-like. LOL. Speaking of Power Rangers, I'd even sometimes pretend I was one while I was doing it. 😛 Hell yes.
Ahh, the good ol' days… <3 hehehe
Lauren
We don't have those in grocery stores in the UK! But I go to the US a lot because all my family went there. The first time we went to the grocery sotre, my brother and I had a competition to see who could get the most coupons. He got yelled at too 😛
Sean
I totally was the same type of kid. haha. When they started with the motion sensors I would try and trick the machine and just casually walk by it. I would get all into it and actually act like I was shopping, thinking that the machine would know if I was faking it. Like, "Oh…is he shopping? Wait…NO! He is lying! No coupon for you!"
I would also act like I was shopping when employees would notice what I was doing. I would just circle around the isle each time, trying to be smooth. I hated when they would run out of coupons. Boo on that. It should be endless damn it. Just like this comment!
<3 loves
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