Enjoy Your Gifts or Die Trying

Christmas movies make me laugh. They’re so cliche. Usually there’s a scene where a bunch of children flock down the stairs to see all their presents beneath the tree. Orchestrated with sappy music, the camera pans by the kids as they rip open box after box; revealing board games, Bratz dolls, and the occasional Mr….

In Short

What’s with our passion for abbreviations? And why is “abbreviations” such a long word? In my opinion, it’s rude to not spell out entire words. The only time I use chatspeak is when someone isn’t worth my time. For example, if I were going to write a breakup letter, it might look like this… Sup…

My Hurricane is a Boy!

Why do Hurricanes have names? I can understand giving names to planets, household pets, and maybe even male genitalia, but it makes no sense to give names to tropical storms. Isn’t it a tad odd to be on a first-name basis with an evil whirlwind of doom? Hell, they don’t give names to tornadoes, snowstorms,…

A Rant of Biblical Proportions

I’m not the most religious person in the world, but I know the basics. I know that I should love my neighbors, and I know that I should love my enemies (strangely, these are the same people). That’s about it. My mother always pressured me to dig deeper into Christianity. She promised it’d scare the…

The Truth in Advertising

The marketing industry has its fair share of bullshit. From “Do-Nothing” infomercials to self-proclaimed “Gurus,” businesses are always plotting to beat you up and take your lunch money. It’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. If people are begging for your cash, they clearly don’t know how to get rich fast. Oh, and…

The Early Bird Gets the Worm

They say that the early bird gets the worm.  I don’t know who they are, but in my opinion, they should mind their own damn business. Did the birds start this rumor? If so, I hope they get the bird flu. It’s a stupid idiom, and I absolutely despise it. Simply put, I disagree with the core message….

CHAINSAW: The Newest Weight Loss Revolution

Millions of people around the world are disappointed by their bodies. Desperate to drop a few pounds, they do more harm than good with extreme fad diets and ridiculous surgeries. These people care so much about how their bodies look on the outside, that they’re perfectly willing to destroy them on the inside. If you’re one of these people, then I’ve got the product…

Start Every Day with a Smile

My mother used to say I should start every day with a smile. Well, I’ve been thinking about it, and that’s a pretty tough task. When I wake up, my mouth is usually in a frowning position. And no, it’s not because I’m sad. It’s just my face. When I sleep, I have a literal “resting bitch face.”…

Fat People Can’t Fly

I’m not the biggest fan of airplanes. For one, I’m afraid of heights. I also find the chairs cramped and uncomfortable. Lastly, I don’t enjoy sitting next to complete strangers who, with my luck, are frequently gassy. If someone told me I could never board a plane again, I’d happily oblige. Goodbye and good riddance….

Was that a Sneeze? Bitch, Please!

I’ve come to the conclusion that everybody in the world hates me… Or everybody in the world is deaf… Or both. Yup, that’s it. That’s the only possible explanation. The planet is full of hearing-impaired jackasses that don’t care about me. It’s a Deaf Jam Justin Slam. Why, you ask? Well, for as long as I can…