Close Encounters of the Scared Kind
In my experience, first dates are a recipe for awkwardness. When I barely know the other person, it’s a struggle to keep the conversation flowing. Inevitably, I run out of things to say, leading to long, uncomfortable silences. I hate that silence. It sends mixed signals, makes everyone uncomfortable, and, most importantly, doesn’t provide any background noise to mask my farts.
To avoid these awkward moments, I come armed with a list of questions. A first date with me becomes a full-fledged interrogation. My favorite question to ask is, “What are you afraid of?” It’s a fantastic icebreaker. You can learn a lot about a person from their fears.
Fears reveal vulnerabilities and pain. They make us relatable. In the past, my soon-to-be boyfriends have mentioned spiders, heights, and even death. One dude said he was afraid of the mystery meat in school cafeterias. That date would have gone much better if I hadn’t already ordered meatloaf.
All these fears make sense to me. They’re practical and life-saving. Being fearful of “tall buildings” and “rotten foods” can keep you safe. Sadly, my fear doesn’t follow the same logic. It’s bizarre and unlikely to ever protect me. It spooks me. It keeps me up at night. It makes me suck my thumb and hide under my blanky.
So now you’re probably wondering, “What on Earth scares him so much?” Well, stop thinking so narrow-mindedly. My fear isn’t on Earth. My fear is literally out of this world. I’m afraid of aliens.
To clarify, I’m talking about aliens from outer space, not the ones that come from, say, Cuba.
Aliens totally freak me out, especially the cliché, cartoony ones. I don’t care if they come in peace. They need to back off with their big black eyes, giant green heads, and awkwardly elongated arms.
When I look at pictures of them, I feel a strange discomfort. Maybe I was abducted in the past or something… Oh dear god, WHERE IS MY BLANKY?!
When an alien pops up in a movie, I don’t just pee a little. I pee so much I have nothing left inside of me and deflate like an inflatable mattress. When I was younger, the film E.T. the Extraterrestrial scared the living air out of me.
Seriously, that movie wrecked me. I was constantly on edge because one of the lamps in our living room cast a shadow that looked just like his glowing hand and turdish body. One night, I had a terrible nightmare and woke up screaming, “E.T. tried to finger me!”
Ridiculous dreams have always been a part of my childhood. I had recurring nightmares about those talking M&M mascots. Instead of me trying to eat them, they were always trying to eat me. In retrospect, for all the trauma they put me through, those talking M&Ms can bite me.
Being afraid of “the M&M people” kind of makes sense. I mean, M&Ms are a registered trademark of the Mars snack-food company. Yes, Mars like Martians. What if the connection isn’t a coincidence? What if our planet has already been invaded?
We must fight back with another bite-sized candy. I’d suggest Reese’s Pieces, but we all know E.T. loves them.
121 Comments
Deanna
My roommate is also afraid of aliens. She says that is one of the most common things she dreams about. I read when it meant in my dream book. I forget exactly what it said but it made sense because it had something about being different from others which I feel makes sense because she likes girls. Maybe you should look it up if you have a dream book lying around to see if it makes sense for you.
Evtiff
what were we talking about lol
Jane
I don't think that that is such a weird phobia, loads of people are scared of the unknown and aliens are the unknown.
Sarah
Haha, sorry! But you asked me what raveling was 😛
Aww, cleaning rooms are so boring -.- I try to keep mine clean as I go but it never works.. Right now it's a pigsty. Ahh well though, glad that your aura is cleansed, lmao.
How are you?
-Sarah
Nini
So… you're afraid of aliens o.o I don't really believe the whole sort of "alien" thingy. Uh, world of fantasy to me. :S
Nnie
Hahaha same with me! I supposed to pay attention to my teacher haha-.-
Meaghan!
It's not called that, it's called something else but it's basically the same thing. I've heard it somewhere, just forgot what the name was =/
Ah, I just got back from swimming. I'm uber tired ><
Gillian
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Ariel
'Cause they have to store cocoa beans somewhere and cockroaches just crawl in and of course they get mixed into it…just think though, it's good for your body O_o I heard that bugs are healthy for you.
Alicia
YES thank you! bahaha I have messed up dreams like yours. I have a fear of clowns, though this isn't uncommon, but only because I used to scare the hell out of myself as a kid and dreamed that they came and tried to kill me with a damn butchers knife. *pulls covers over face* I still have to have the closet shut at night because if I don't I get too scared. xD
One time, when I was sleeping my cat jumped on me and I flung it off into the karaoke machine because I thought it was a clown trying to kill me. -_-
Yes, E.T is rather turd-esque looking. Dude, they're out to get you with all these alien-type connections… the mars and the M & M's and whatnot, dun dun dunnn.
Don't eat chocolate before bed, lol. It might provoke some scary dreams.
Dylan
No, why have you?
Jessye
That is definitely a good point about using M&M products to deter the aliens, but can you honestly think of a product that isn't manufactured by that company?! I'll be thinking about it myself. 🙂
Niki
Haha! I know, but she was still there.
But I guess you have a point. XD
Gillian
Yeah i dont know much about monkeys so ill have to do some research on that. Chastity belts eh ? Sounds reasonable.
Thats so true, last thing i want is monkey shit in my face.
Farah
aww man. that sucks. D:
so anyways, i guess my valentine's day misery is somewhat overshadowed by, you know, yours.
at least i wasn't at a conference.
contrary to popular belief, however, misery doesn't love company.
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