Automatic Coupon Dispensers
Please refrain from bringing your young ones to the grocery store. Seriously. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out.
Keep them at home. Consider alternatives like a babysitter or a cage. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want to hear them fussing and screaming for a brand new Barbie doll. And most importantly, spare us the surprise of finding discarded diapers in the bathroom stalls.
There are no exceptions. If you think your son or daughter is a model of good behavior, you probably have the worst one.
When I was a kid, I was terrible in stores. I despised shopping. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play with my Power Rangers. As soon as we’d get to the store, I’d deliberately piss off my mother by running in and out of those self-opening doors. And once that grew tiresome, I’d start pushing grocery carts at the doors. It got violent. I almost killed a guy.
But amidst the chaos, one thing kept me calm. And no, it wasn’t duct tape or Ritalin. It was the allure of the automatic coupon dispenser.
Yes, the automatic coupon dispenser was the greatest toy ever invented. Kids raced to those things like June bugs to bug zappers. When I was a youngin’, I’d be mesmerized by those blinking red boxes of splendor and wonder. I’d rip out coupons and throw them in the air like confetti.
Unfortunately, as the years went by, the dispensers got smarter. They weren’t quite at Skynet level, but speaking from experience, they were definitely smarter than a fifth grader. With high-tech sensors and timers, they no longer dispensed multiple coupons at once.
I was devastated. I was defeated. I needed that extra coupon. I needed that extra twenty cents off of Rogaine. And no, I wasn’t a balding twelve year old. I was just addicted to the satisfaction of pulling that damn coupon.
At least I could always cherish my previous coupons. I had quite the collection. My favorite coupon was for a free “female enhancement” product. To this day, I have no idea what it was supposed to enhance. And frankly, I don’t want to know.
Perhaps my relationship with automatic coupon dispensers was a tad unsettling. Why was I so obsessed with them? Why did we share such a strong connection? Perhaps I was a coupon dispenser in a past life.
Yup, that explains everything. In my previous life, I was, indeed, an automatic coupon dispenser. I’d spend my days hiding in grocery store aisles. As families walked by, I’d flash them and shoot a surprise. Kids loved it. They’d get pleasure from having something to play with.
Yikes. On second thought, maybe I was a pedophile in my previous life. Maybe I was Michael Jackson.
Yup, that explains everything even better. I was definitely Michael Jackson. Now, I’m sure you’re doing the math, and you’re skeptical because we were both alive at the same time. Well, we actually weren’t. The real Michael Jackson died long before I was born. Record labels didn’t want to lose money, so they replaced him with a random white girl. Hence the appearance.
I should have given her my female enhancement coupons.
108 Comments
Kat
we finish high school at 16 and then go on to sixth form college for 2 years until we're 18 then we go onto university. It's so confusing I know so I think that equates to going to college in America (using my gossip girl knowledge 😀 )
LMAO yer it was a little exhausting haha
lol I loved going shopping with my parents as a kid I always got new toys and things. I love going now I get things like clothes and perfume XD
female enhancement coupons WTF?!!?!?!?!?! ahhaa
Jhase
So you shot your load at little kids. Very nice! XD I was never fascinated by those machines, I was more happy to just walk through the automatic sliding doors and get on customers nerves who wanted to come in, but couldn't cause I was making the doors open and close that is the most fun.
Wait, wait, wait, if you were Michael in a past life who the hell was your Tito?
Noe
OMG! your video is SO funny! LOOOOOOL 🙂 i like RINontheROX but JUSTINontheROX is SO much funnier! hah. congrats to your friend too, both of you are the best 🙂 you're really good, you should make a program in TV! huhh. i also watched "womanizer" and i can't stop laughing!
xx
Swetlana
Hehe, I totally agree on that!
*jessi
ahah i'msure she was just confused. this is her first EVER litter of kits that she's had.. hehe. so yeahh.
Sky
Yeah, hopefully everything will go back to the plan and I will get to graduate here. 🙂
Haha.. I never had coupon dispensers when I went grocery shopping as a kid. Although, now that I am tall enough to reach they they are quite irresistible.
Female enhancement? What on earth? I don't really wnat to know, lmao.
-Sky
Amanda
yea your right; at least the people who signed up I know would actually use it xD
Katie
Hah I still enjoy food shopping these days! I remember always getting to bite some of the French bread and grapes whilst i sat in the trolley.
That's hilarious rofl! What do they think you want to do with that coupon?!
In my past life I was sooo a sloth.
Bahah! I love the MJ comment.
Amy
I am back, I tried to comment last night but the captcha would agree with what I put. :0
This blog entry is hilarious. It wouldn't surprise me if Michael Jackson had been replaced by a white girl to get record labels money. 😛 They'd do anything to get them more sales.
I've never used a coupon machine before. I liked going to the supermarket 'cause I get to play with the scanny machine. You could scan products yourself to see how much they were. I think it's still there actually. Kids love machines more than sweets. 😛
You should have kept the enhancement coupon and sold it on Ebay. 😀
xx
Ben
Yes, but they laughed at my amazing story – gutted!
How are you?!
Georgina
Heheee :3 *hugs back* (I am actually in a poopy mood because my tutor is a pooface haha)
Merete
ahhh xD what time is it ?
Georgina
Haha NO. XD. Well a joke is okay. But don't make fun of me, pleeeease *hold up hands in front of face*
Ben
I never liked grocery shopping. The people at the checkout really scared me, STOP SMILING all I want to do is put my groceries in the bags and go home. 🙁 I get creeped out way to easily. XD
Merete
yeah, I know xD I was just so pissed of msn last night. It didn't let me access. :@ I'm fine thanks.. and you`?
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