Please refrain from bringing your young ones to the grocery store. Seriously. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out.

Keep them at home. Consider alternatives like a babysitter or a cage. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want to hear them fussing and screaming for a brand new Barbie doll. And most importantly, spare us the surprise of finding discarded diapers in the bathroom stalls.

There are no exceptions. If you think your son or daughter is a model of good behavior, you probably have the worst one.

When I was a kid, I was terrible in stores. I despised shopping. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play with my Power Rangers. As soon as we’d get to the store, I’d deliberately piss off my mother by running in and out of those self-opening doors. And once that grew tiresome, I’d start pushing grocery carts at the doors. It got violent. I almost killed a guy.

But amidst the chaos, one thing kept me calm. And no, it wasn’t duct tape or Ritalin. It was the allure of the automatic coupon dispenser.

Yes, the automatic coupon dispenser was the greatest toy ever invented. Kids raced to those things like June bugs to bug zappers. When I was a youngin’, I’d be mesmerized by those blinking red boxes of splendor and wonder. I’d rip out coupons and throw them in the air like confetti.

Unfortunately, as the years went by, the dispensers got smarter. They weren’t quite at Skynet level, but speaking from experience, they were definitely smarter than a fifth grader. With high-tech sensors and timers, they no longer dispensed multiple coupons at once.

I was devastated. I was defeated. I needed that extra coupon. I needed that extra twenty cents off of Rogaine. And no, I wasn’t a balding twelve year old. I was just addicted to the satisfaction of pulling that damn coupon.

At least I could always cherish my previous coupons. I had quite the collection. My favorite coupon was for a free “female enhancement” product. To this day, I have no idea what it was supposed to enhance. And frankly, I don’t want to know.

Perhaps my relationship with automatic coupon dispensers was a tad unsettling. Why was I so obsessed with them? Why did we share such a strong connection? Perhaps I was a coupon dispenser in a past life.

Yup, that explains everything. In my previous life, I was, indeed, an automatic coupon dispenser. I’d spend my days hiding in grocery store aisles. As families walked by, I’d flash them and shoot a surprise. Kids loved it. They’d get pleasure from having something to play with.

Yikes. On second thought, maybe I was a pedophile in my previous life. Maybe I was Michael Jackson.

Yup, that explains everything even better. I was definitely Michael Jackson. Now, I’m sure you’re doing the math, and you’re skeptical because we were both alive at the same time. Well, we actually weren’t. The real Michael Jackson died long before I was born. Record labels didn’t want to lose money, so they replaced him with a random white girl. Hence the appearance.

I should have given her my female enhancement coupons.