Have a Crappy, Crappy Birthday!
I might have Herpes.
Okay, not really. I don’t have Herpes. At least, I don’t think I do. I only said that to get your attention. And boy, did I ever! You were all like “OMG WHAT THE HELL AM I READING?” I felt judged, and it was fantastic.
Anyway, I do have something similar to Herpes. Like Herpes, what I have is unwelcome and typically goes unnoticed. I usually forget about it until it pops up and surprises me each year. It’s unpredictable, it causes pain, and it’s highly contagious. Sometimes I wish it would just go away forever.
I’m talking, of course, about my birthday. And be careful. Just from reading this, you might have one too.
So why am I using an elaborate metaphor to compare the aging process to genital warts? Well, frankly, I think it’s a fitting comparison. I absolutely detest birthdays. And since today is my birthday, it’s only polite that you agree with me.
Seriously. I hate them. As I get older, they terrify me. I don’t want to be reminded that my days are numbered. I don’t need to know how few years I have left on this planet. Why does everyone want to celebrate my impending death? Do you all hate me that much?
Birthdays aren’t a big deal. Sure, surviving my nut-job family and coworkers gets harder with each passing day, but is it truly worthy of a present?
I get throwing a party for people who pass the average life expectancy, but why are we celebrating when somebody turns 12? What’s so special about that? It’s expected. We were all born on a day. Congratulations on being average.
And all of these birthday traditions are bizarre. Do I really need a cake every year because I was expelled from a uterus?
Do I really need to blow out candles and make a wish? It’s not like the wishes ever come true. When I was a kid, I always wished for telekinetic powers like Matilda from the Roald Dahl book. I thought it would be cool to move things around with my mind, but alas, no psychic powers for me.
In retrospect, I’m kind of glad that wish never came true. If it had, I’d be super lazy. At a minimum, I’d be two hundred pounds heavier and maybe not even alive to “celebrate” this day.
But I digress. The concept of sticking candles in a dessert is bizarre and unsettling. Who was the sick asshole that decided to celebrate life with a safety hazard? When I was a kid, I couldn’t run with scissors or hold a knife, but, yeah sure, pass me the flaming death cake.
Ugh. I truly hate that I’m getting older. But if I must acknowledge it every year, I need to find a better way to talk about it. Maybe I can make it fun and exciting? Yeah, that’s it. From now on, I’ll start saying that I “leveled up” like in a video game.
But instead of getting power-ups or amazing Matilda-like abilities, the only perk I get each year is increasing lower back pain.
140 Comments
Meaghan!
LOL why? I like her as a singer (: I think she has a lisp :0
OMG YOU SCARED ME ;~;
Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
! 🙂 19?! I'm only 14 xD I started my freshman year when I was 13 D: and now I'm like the youngest. But everyone thought I was turning 15 in october D:< which means they thought I was OLDDDD.
Haha I've never read Matilda XD
Ariel
Lol!! Happy Birthday…crackhead. I'm going to call crime stoppers on you for smoking in the bathroom and lighting the trashcan on fire.
Doesn't that sound like a nice birthday present?
Mary
OMG I almost forgot can you do me a favor and vote for me for the next 3 days. Vote here:
http://www.acepolls.com/polls/841605-vote-march-sotm
THANKS!!
Mary
I'm glad my tragic life amuses you! :p Sorry I forgot your birthday(you didn't remember mine).
If you had telekinetic powers you would probably get a lot of head aches from all the thinking and stuff. Being amazing hurts! I know cause I am!!! 🙂
Addie
happy birthdayy! haha. herpes!
Evtiff
Thank you, but its not my brithday lmfao
Jill
Lol, I just think it's so pretty. Obviously you know what a CD looks like.. though in the future people might not because no one actually buys cds anymore… interesting/scary thought. And thanks, isn't it so loverly?
Brent
Well, the audition went swimmingly well to be honest o:
:> I read for Harry three times.
Mandie
haha thank you!
and yea… I dunno what Im gonna do about that situation.
and thanks =]
Manda
I have to do a biographical speech this time on someone famous. I have no idea who I'm going to do. I wish I could make the speech funny, it's hard when you are talking about certain things.
Gillian
LOL yeah i know.
People read it and they tried but then they saw that other people already used it, so theres no hope for an award anynmore so they started using it again as well.. lmao.
but good for you ! i like watching ppl struggle to avoid the L word.
:O ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY ! HAAAAAAPYYY BIRTHDAY JUSTINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN .
-throws confetti in your eye-
.. i did that to my friend once .. it was "unintentional" ofcourse.
LMAO oh snap. Your poor friend, but wow thats pretty bad to forget your besties sixteenth.
Ooh telekinetic powers? Sounds like a blast. I dont mind becoming a fat lazy beyatch.
Spencer
Word.
Sylvia
You damn whipper snappers and your complaining about being old. I'll be 22 in 2 months! Someone needs to book me a place at the old folks home and fast! UGH!!!
P.S. I shall concoct a list just for you. Something wild and out there, just like you like lol.
Ben
Happy nineteenth birthday Justin for a few days ago. i am always late. I nearly typed thirteenth then, taking years of you in just seconds!!
OMGITSvincent.
OMG. Happy Birthday! You're 19! Woww. Lmaoo. You have such funny blogs =D, what did you get? huh? huh?
Heres my gift: http://i42.tinypic.com/25gasjm.png
As to reply to your comment;
Lmaoo. I love skinning! Its kinda hard.. well, a little, haha, I'll try and get some more themes/skins up soon =D
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